Monthly Archives: March 2011

Boots and Slippers

“History is the sound of heavy boots going upstairs and the sound of satin slippers coming down.”

–Voltaire

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The Merry Giant Suck-A-Thon

The Merry Giant Suck-A-Thon
Is a strange ship with a stranger crew.
Her decks are manned by the unemployed,
From us no hooting hullabaloo.

Daily round the capstan stamp we,
Through the doldrums daily tramp we.
No storm, no towering seas or spray
Can steer us wide of our fiery mission,
To deliver the fearsome resume.

Teens and the Elderly

Nature makes teens and the elderly mean. Otherwise, we would never let them go.

–a grandmother

Spring Storm at the Beach

Incessant sheeting skeins of rain
Cut across the morning’s grain
A sumi ink drawing could not perfect
Their sinusoidal curtains swaying.

Through ink black trees still I detect
Deep beneath the intellect,
A whiff of joy in the rush
And twist of this storm’s great bullneck.

There!–in the full onrush
Amid the rumble and the crush
Of tumbling skies and rolling air,
The spring time cry of a hermit thrush.

Word Association Exercise #28

Exercise: Think up a set of associated words and write a scene or story using the words.

words: fragment, torment, intent, badly bent, toward, sword, forward, coward, cow herd, manila, hemp, jute, piaute, resolute, sweet tooth, vermouth, inchoate, can’t float, my boat, putney swope, whadda dope, nope, soap on a rope.

The herd broke into fragments; broken strings of cows slowly followed the old piaute trails up towards the mesa. It was Jake’s intent to take the manila and hemp bridles he unraveled the night before, try and salvage them, and go after the herd but he could not stop thinking about the Putney Swope dream swirl of last night and focus his mind. He was badly bent from a long night of drinking. He leaned forward towards the coffee pot to pour himself another mug.

“Wadda dope,” said Kate, walking into camp looking at the empty bottles of gin, vermouth and and the fragments of manila and hemp they had drunkenly tried to roll and smoke the night before. “Wake up cowboy, you couldn’t even float my boat if you wanted to.”

Jake steadied his hand, added four spoons of sugar to his coffee to feed his savage sweet tooth and felt a sword stab of pain in his left side when he tried to stand up. He wanted to look resolute, but his thoughts were an inchoate swirl, remembering Kate’s smooth body, his own rough hands and their soap on a rope sex in the river at sundown. He looked up sheepishly, “gimme a minute,” he said. “Coward,” he said to himself, and sat back down by the long dead fire to pull on his boots.

Today’s Recycled Word: Kittly Benders

Words are falling out of popular use all the time. When was the last time you went pace egging or used a cudgel? The editor of this journal considers it a service to the language to periodically rescue some of these terms from obscurity by recycling them with new meanings.

In this age of video games, we note that no one plays kittly benders any more. Thoreau mentions this 19th century parlor game, but I doubt there is a kittly bender set left in all of Concord or Lexington either for that matter.

So we offer the following new definition for this playful sounding term:

Kittly Benders

The practice of torturing your girlfriend’s cat by twisting it into ballon pretzel shapes and then twisting it back before she gets home.

How to Save Your Local Newspaper

We read that the most frequently used search term for searching the online version of Seattle’s largest newspaper is “horse sex.” The term refers to the sad tale of a Washington man and horse lover who learned the same lesson as Catherine the Great in becoming too friendly with old Sea Biscuit.

However, in this age of search engine optimization and Google Adsense driven media, with newspapers floundering everywhere, there is clearly a message here — perhaps even a way of preventing the newspaper’s seemingly inevitable demise. So here, humbly, are my suggested leads for morning papers around the country that truly want to thrive in the 21st century:

“Sex with Elephants: Do’s, Dont’s and Oh. My. Gods.”

“Kim Kardassian and the Midget Rugby Team: a Lost Weekend Gone Very Wrong”

“Erotic Topiary: Turn Your Tired Shrubs into Big Time Turn Ons”

“How to Score Big in the Barnyard–Hint, Bring a Good Ladder”