Monthly Archives: November 2008

Sarah Palin Wants To Open ANWR To Moose Drilling

Anchorage, AK – Governor Palin announced a proposal today to open sections of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to moose drilling. “We have to do everything we can to help develop local industry and tourism. Alaska has sixty percent of the world’s moose. Moose drilling is a rapidly expanding sport with a lot of room for newcomers. I like to drill them from the air with a few of my friends,” said Palin. Alaska Fish and Game officials said they would announce more details to the governors plans as they became available.

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New Investment Vehicle: Garbage

Corpus Christi, TX – Americans are looking frantically for a place to put their money these days. Steve Knight of Corpus Christi thinks he has found an answer. “Instead of paying companies to take our trash and haul it to the landfill, we buy American trash and sell it to foreign countries. It is a win-win-win,” said Knight. The theory is that there are whole communities of people who live on what they find in dumps outside some of the largest cities in the world. To the people living in dump in Cambodia, a load of American trash is a gold mine. “We bid on hauling contracts and instead of paying tippage fees, we spend that money shipping the trash to places like Cambodia. It sounds crazy, but Americans have the most valuable trash in the world,” said Knight.cambodia_dump1

Man Invests Life Savings In Giant Gumball

Minot, SD – James Radison of Minot, South Dakota is a man on a mission. He wants to create the world’s largest gumball. Radison, who is 75 and retired, has spent years buying gumballs from machines and then chewing and pasting them together into one large recycled gumball. “My wife finally kicked me out of the house, so I’m living in a neighbor’s barn. But I still get to chew every day. It keeps me occupied. And there is nothing like the feeling of watching it just grow and grow. It is getting harder to keep it round though.” When asked how he spends the rest of his time, Radison said “I spend a lot of time keeping the animals away from it.”
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Helicopter Parents Form New Association

Long Beach, CA – The Helicopter United Parents Toward World Oversight (HUPTWO) announced it’s first annual meeting and conference schedule today. The association of was formed to create opportunities for hyper-involved parents to become even more involved in their children’s lives. “It isn’t enough to have a parent apartment in their college town or follow them via GPS tracking of their cell phones. We want to know who they are with and help them make better choices in their friends and activities,” said President Sally Fielding. The conference will feature workshops on topics such as yoga for fetuses and boyfriend background checks. The trade show floor will include vendors of keystroke monitoring software, surveillance cameras, and lifetime family vacation timeshare plans.
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New Lexicon Of Curses For Irritated Drivers

Portland, OR – DumbS**t Publishing is preparing a new lexicon of phrases designed to aid drivers who are running out of swear words to apply to stupid drivers. “I think it will help put driver’s feelings into words so they won’t get so frustrated. We are all tired of using the same old names for idiots on the road. I solicited driving curses from all over the world. Different cultures are very creative when it comes to excoriating someone for stupid behavior . Taxi drivers are a wonderful sources,” said publisher Arnold Simpson.

Here are some examples from the upcoming lexicon:

If someone cuts you off in traffic, try calling him “the stain the camel left on your mother’s wedding dress,” as taxi drivers in the Sudan sometimes do.

Or if you want to get someones attention who is talking on a cell phone and paying little attention to their driving, you might imagine yourself in Australia: “Hey drongo! You’re about three chops short of a barbie.”

The new lexion, called “Up Yours, With Feeling,” will be available in bookstores  this Christmas.

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