Monthly Archives: September 2008

American Christianists To Convene: “Jesus Is Our CEO”

Colorado Springs, CO – “Christianism takes up where Christianity left off. Christianity is all about the meek inheriting the earth and do unto others, which we think, frankly, is a misinterpretation of the Bible. Christianism is about bending others to our will, um, I mean the will of Jesus,” said Reverend James Blobson of Focus On the Fetus. “We believe the corporate model is the structure that Jesus intended to use to run the world, with himself as CEO. Until he returns, we will pick one to reign in his place.” The first Christianist convention will take place in Colorado Springs, Colorado in February of 2009 and feature George Bush and Sarah Palin as keynote speakers.

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Male Stupidity Linked To Bed-Sharing, Though Sex Improves Listening Skills

Vienna, Austria – Theories about male stupidity go as far back to Adam and Eve. Now “brain drain” due to bed-sharing has been identified as a cause of decreased cognitive function in men. “We weren’t meant to share beds. Sex and sleeping together is a modern phenomenon, ” said researchers who developed the study. The syndrome seems to affect men far more than women, as women seem to be programmed to handle sleep interruption better than men. The study did show that sex appeared to improve male listening skills. “At least the men appeared to be listening after sex, but maybe they were finally able to get some sleep,” said the researchers.

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New American News Network – PNN, All Palin, All The Time

New York, NY – CNN announced a new network subsidiary today devoted to twenty four hour coverage of everything related to Sarah Palin. The new cable news network will be called the Palin News Network – PNN. “If she says anything, no matter how fact-challenged or outrageous, we will cover it. People are tired of the issues: the war, the economy, the corruption. It is too depressing. They want to fantasize about a beauty queen, soft-core porn star, negligent mom, former small-town mayor who might become a US President some day. Have you seen McCain check out her ass? The Republicans are calling her a GILF – Governer I’d Like To Fuck. We will have crews cover her every move,” said producer Bart Hicks. “For McCain, she is like that deep sea fish with the built-in lure on it’s head that draws in prey: ‘here guys, knock yourselves out.'”

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Tornado Moves House To Better Location

Topeka, KS – An EF-2 class tornado touched down north of Topeka, Kansas yesterday uprooting trees and tearing through a rural residential area. One small home was torn from it’s cinder block foundation and deposited a quarter of a mile away. No one was in the house at the time, and the owners seem pleased with the change. “This is a way better spot,” said Charles Davis. “The view is better and we’re back from the road a bit now.”

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Animals Predict Earthquake Through Simultaneous Elimination

Tarapaca, Chile, The zookeepers at the Tarapaca zoo wondered why the animals were strangely silent. Then they all defecated at the same time. “We thought we had some sort of virus going around. Man, the smell was awful. Then the earthquake hit,” said head zookeeper Afredo Jorge. Fortunately, there was little property damage from the earthquake which registered 5.2 on the Richter scale.

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Hissing Cockroaches Invade Florida

Miami, FL – If you have ever rented a beach condo in Florida and had to get up in the middle of the night to kill a cockroach, hold onto your beach blanket. Hissing cockroaches from Madagascar have been spotted in parts of south Florida. Native to Madagascar and known for their ability to climb virtually anything including smooth glass, the large, hairy insects are not considered harmful, though sitings do seem to correlate with unusual disappearances of pet chihuahuas. Local pest control authorities are studying how best to control the insects.

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