Monthly Archives: August 2008

Ancient Amazon Civilization Had A Wendys

Orlando, FL – In a paper to appear in the Journal Science, anthropologists from the University of Florida and Brazil have found evidence of an ancient, large urban civilization in the Amazon basin. The most startling discovery appears to be one that connects the lost city to our own cities today. “We found a carved figure of a little red-haired girl that matches the Wendy’s girl in startling detail. And we found an inscription on the carving that we believe translates roughly as ‘hot and juicy,'” said research assistant Randy Williams.

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Crows Can Tell If You Washed Your Hands After Using Bathroom

Seattle, WA – In a follow-on study to the ground-breaking work by UW wildlife biologist John Marzluff, indicating that crows recognize individual human faces and associate them with potential threats, fellow researcher Miles Anderson has discovered that crows can tell if you washed your hands after using the bathroom. “People apparently exhibit a certain amount of guilt or tension in their face that is evident to crows. They will caw much louder and often in unison at volunteers who leave our control restrooms without washing their hands,” said Anderson.

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Disney’s Little Mermaid Is Really A Manmaid

Hollywood, CA – “I just couldn’t live the lie any longer,” said Ariel today after announcing that she is really a manmaid. “I hope to keep making films, but it is up to Disney. I think I bring something special to the role and you have to admit I look fabulous in green sequined flippers and clamshells. And my co-star is flexible, if you know what I mean,” said Ariel. Representatives of Disney were not available for comment.

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Wearable Motorcycle Comes In Permanent Press

Seattle, WA – Nordstrom announced today they will become the sole distributor of a new line of wearable motorcycles. “We are broadening our markets. We think wearable technology has a very bright future,” said marketing manager Cyndi Whitman. The wearable motorcycles will be available in Big and Tall sizes and have trim packages suitable for office or leisure wear.

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Sen. Larry Craig To Address GOP Convention From Toilet Stall

Washington, DC – Still stinging from his party’s rebukes after being arrested for lewd conduct in an airport mens room, Senator Larry Craig plans to address the Republican Party convention next week from a toilet stall. Senator Craig is not being offered a speaker’s slot on the main podium, but will instead broadcast his views via streaming video and YouTube. Craig is currently on a book tour publicizing his new autobiography, “Stalling For Time.”

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Abortion Foes Form New Franchise: Fetuses-R-Us

Colorado Springs, CO – Those familiar abortion protesters with the large, colorful signs with super-magnified images of aborted fetuses may soon be bringing their message to a mall near you. “We are all about the fetus. That is our brand,” said Reverend James Blobson of Focus On The Fetus. “We are opening a chain of stores called Fetuses-R-Us that will carry our message through merchandising. You will be able to buy hats, t-shirts, keychains, coffee mugs, mouse pads and posters, all with our signature pictures of aborted fetuses you have become familiar with through our street protests. We challenge the presidential candidates to wear one of our fetus lapel pins,” said Blobson.

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Obama’s Secret Ties To Church Of Flying Spaghetti Monster

Augusta, GA – “We have every reason to believe that Senator Obama is a secret member of a religious cult devoted some sort of flying demon,” said David Connors, head of an organization called Get Straight With Jesus Or Go Straight To Hell. “Our investigations have lead us to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Connors. “It sounds like some sort of Asian voodoo thing. I hear they call themselves ‘pastafarians’. ” There was no comment from the Obama campaign.

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