Tag Archives: olympics

USA Relay Teams Interrupt Races To Play “Pick Up Sticks”

Posted on August 23, 2008 | Leave a comment

Beijing, China – In a fascinating display of returning to the root of all sports, namely childhood play, both the American men’s and women’s 4X100 relay teams interrupted their Olympic finals races yesterday to play the familiar children’s game of pick up sticks. “This is supposed to be fun. We forget that sometimes,” said Tyson Gay, who had been planning to run the anchor leg in the men’s relay.

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Chinese Gymnasts Enjoy Annual Phone Call To Parents

Posted on August 22, 2008 | Leave a comment

Beijing, China – Fresh from a triumphant performance in the Olympics, the Chinese women’s gymnastic team returned to their training facility today. Team members who won a medals were allowed their annual phone call to their parents a day early. “We want thank our glorious people’s republic for letting us speak with our parents,” said a stoic Cheng Fei. “Momma says my room is just the way I left it seven years ago. And I have a new Dad.”

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Posted in International, Sports

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Bush Gropes Beach Volleyball Olympian: “Just Bein’ Friendly”

Posted on August 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Beijing, China – President Bush continued his physical approach to the world’s headline makers today by groping olympic beach volleyball champion Kerri Walsh after her team’s triumph over the the Norwegian team in semi-finals today. “Just bein’ friendly,” said Bush afterwards.



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Posted in National, Politics

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Americans in China Get An Earful: “George Bush Is Real America”

Posted on August 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Beijing, China - Perhaps it was the shaojiu, a strong local liquor, or perhaps it was the fact that China had just passed the USA in total Olympic medal count and, after the men’s gymnastics finals, now has twice as many gold medals. Normally polite to a fault, this reporter encountered at least one Chinese man who spoke candidly about the USA. In a small restaurant near the Olympic village we were approached by an elderly man who spoke broken english and obviously had been drinking. “You Americans maybe learn something today. You not biggest rooster on farm anymore. And your president, George Bush here for olympics. He is real America. Arrogant, act like spoiled child. I know, I live one time Los Angeles. You invade country, cause million people die, and you lecture rest of world? You think Obama change anything? You broke and you eat whole world up. Big fat people. Maybe you not eat so much.” And all we were looking for was a good place to eat local dim sum.

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Chinese Gymnast Wins Gold, Wants Mommy And A Nap

Posted on August 13, 2008 | 1 Comment

Beijing, China – After a riveting performance on the parallel bars in which she seemed to defy gravity, a performance that clinched the gold medal for the women’s team, tiny Cheng Fei wanted only two things. Speaking through an interpreter, Fei seemed nonplussed about all the excitement. “The medal is cool. But I want my momma and I want a nap. Now.” she said.

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Bush Issues Sternly Worded Bromide to Putin Over Georgia Invasion

Posted on August 12, 2008 | Leave a comment

Beijing, China - It was a dramatic moment in the stands at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing when President Bush confronted Alexander Putin about Russia’s invasion of the breakaway republic of Georgia. Witnesses sitting nearby reported hearing fragments of the conversation. “Bush told him ‘it sure would be nice if you left those people alone, Pootee,’ ” recalled Lee Johnson of Tupelo, Mississippi.

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Beijing Olympics To Open With Traditional Sacrifice of Dissidents

Posted on August 3, 2008 | Leave a comment

Beijing – The Chinese government announced today that the opening ceremonies would include the traditional Chinese ceremony of the Sacrifice of the Dissidents. Normally reserved for high state occasions and often attended only by senior government officials, the elaborate ceremony, includes public humiliation, and a show trial followed by death through prolonged exposure to official communist party dance celebrations.

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