Baghdad, Iraq
” Everybody, ten SHUN! This is Major Stevens of the 101st. He is going to brief you on a special visitor who will be arriving tomorrow. Today’s briefing is strictly off the record. The ‘secret squirrels’ in Ops have assured me that none of you are hobby photographers, bloggers, YouTubers and any other kind of tubers. Any record of this briefing hits the media back in the world and I will have someone’s gonads bronzed and hung from the rear view mirror of my Hummer. Please give Major Stevens your undivided attention.”
Thank you. At ease. General Petreus has asked me to brief you today about a VIP visitor arriving tomorrow from back in the world. Senator McCain will be here. He says he wants to see how successful the surge has been and how life in Iraq is getting back to normal. OK, settle down, settle down. Those of you in the back who are laughing — drop and give me forty. We’ll wait.
“Thank you, Sir!”
OK, now that we understand each other, any of you thinking about showing him what life here is really like will get their ass kicked from here to Kirkuk. General Petreus wants Senator McCain to see all the good things that are happening here, the open markets, the laughing, happy Iraqis, the new stability, yada yada yada. You will show the Senator all the progress we are making, or I will personally rip you a new one and recommend you for a tour extension. Do we understand each other?
“Sir, yes, Sir!”
So here are some talking points the General gave me for ordinary soldiers we select to spontaneously pop up from the audience and state from the heart. Those ordinary solders are Rogers, Rodriguez, Hernandez and Johnson. You guys memorize these points and be ready when I give you the high sign after McCain arrives at 1400 hours tomorrow.
“Sir, permission to speak freely?”
Permission granted.
“Do you mind if we add a few points of our own like the time Hernandez was so tired from four tours full of back-to-back patrols that he fell asleep with a cigarette in his mouth and lit the hooch on fire?”
Look. I’m on your side, OK? If it were up to me we would all leave this, so-called “cradle of civilization” on the next bird home. But General Petreus is real clear about what he wants. What he does NOT want is you guys cowboy-ing it when VIPs from back in the world are here. He wants to control the message and your ass and mine are grass if we don’t.
“Hoo-ah, Sir.”
OK. After visiting with the troops, we will have arranged for spontaneous opportunities for the Senator to visit with the Iraqis and feel the love they have for the coalition forces. Don’t worry, we will make sure the love doesn’t hurt too much. Rogers, Rodriguez, and Hernandez, after bonding with the Senator during the Q&A, you will escort him to the following spontaneous encounters.
Encounter number one: Rogers, you will take the Senator McCain to the special market we have set up near the south perimeter where ordinary Iraqis will be milling around doing their morning shopping. You will escort him through the market and interpret for him. Buy him a CD and get the hell out of there. We are paying those locals a bundle to risk coming in here and fraternizing with us.
Encounter number two: Hernandez, you will take the Senator to Mosul where we have cleared an area near the square so he can walk the streets and talk to the locals. The 33rd will have secured the area and will be laying low until you leave. We paid the Mahdi a bundle to take the afternoon off, but meter runs out at 1800 hours and their patience is limited.
At promptly 2100 hours, we will fly the good Senator back to the airport with a full-up escort. Those of you who met with him will go along, give him a hearty sendoff.
Any questions? Good. Does anyone want to sing Kumbayah?
“Kumbayah, Sir!”
Dismissed.
