Tag Archives: humor

Today’s Poem: A Good Dog Gone Bad

Posted on December 6, 2008 | Leave a comment

A Good Dog Gone Bad

Those were my shoes

And those were my glasses.

If you had two,

I’d kick both your asses.
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Pet Waxing Is The New Grooming Frontier

Posted on December 5, 2008 | Leave a comment

Hollywood, CA - Forget blow-drying, comb-teasing and razor cuts. Those just get you in the dog show door. If you want your pet to really shine on the competion runway, you need to step up your game. Enter waxing for pets. Sunny D’s Pet Nirvana on Hollywood Boulevard will give your dog that clean look down under. “Of course, we use a local anesthetic and some dogs need full sedation. But we can do a lot of cosmetic work while they are under,” said owner Sunny D. Styles range from the simple Straight Bitch to the sleek Ultimate Hound.
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Posted in Living

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Area Teenager Replaces Toilet Paper In Holder

Posted on December 5, 2008 | Leave a comment

Richmond, VA - Rachel Wilson entered the upstairs bathroom in their small, three bedroom home Thursday and found a full new roll of toilet paper in the dispenser left by their son Carson, age 15, after he finished the old one. “I don’t understand it,” said Wilson. “It is completely foreign behavior.”
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Posted in Living

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Tweakers To Reinstall Some School Bleachers, Highway Railings In New PR Campaign

Posted on December 5, 2008 | Leave a comment

Orlando, FL - The American Tweakers Association began a national PR campaign today to upgrade their poor image in their communities. Tweaker speakers will give outreach talks at schools, churches and community centers on topics such as safe tweaking and avoiding interventions. “We want to give back to the communities who have given so much to us. We plan to reinstall some school bleachers and highway railings as a gesture of our appreciation,” said chairman Art Lines.
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Today’s Poem: The Ant, by Ogden Nash

Posted on December 4, 2008 | 1 Comment

The Ant

The ant has made himself illustrious
Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?

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Man Walks Dog Across Oregon Waiting To Clean Up

Posted on December 4, 2008 | Leave a comment

Portland, OR - “My neighborhood is very strict when it comes to cleaning up after your dog. Some days Lucky takes longer than others to do his business. This time it just didn’t happen for a very long time,” said Mike Anderson of Portland, Oregon. Anderson finally finished his dog walk in Baker, Oregon at the other end of the state and planned to take the bus home.
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Rush Limbaugh Related To Obama?

Posted on December 3, 2008 | Leave a comment

New York, NY – “More left wingnut blather,” said Rush Limbaugh about the revelation by the Chicago Sun-Times that Barack Obama and Limbaugh are distant cousins. A spokesperson for Obama said they were not surprised, “if Barack is related to Dick Cheney then Rush has to be in the picture somewhere.”
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Posted in National, Politics

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Recession Hits Candy Business – Oh Henry! Bars Replaced By O’Hank!

Posted on December 3, 2008 | Leave a comment

Smith Falls, Ontario - The Hershey Company, makers of the iconic Oh Henry! candy bar are feeling the impact of the worsening recession. People aren’t spending as much money on candy these days so Hershey is cutting costs by reintroducing the Oh Henry! bar as the smaller, less expensive Oh Hank! bar. There is also talk of reintroducing the Twixt bar as the Twit.
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New iPhone App Guesses Your Thoughts, Posts Them To Twitter

Posted on December 3, 2008 | Leave a comment

Mountain View, CA - Tired of posting every waking action to Twitter? BioTwit from Ideate is a new iPhone application that guesses your thoughts and posts them to Twitter. According the founder Tyson Stevens, “your thoughts run in cycles and can often be inferred from your posting history, your global position, body movement, tone of voice, recent things you have said and the things people around you are saying. With BioTwit you keep your normal posting going for two weeks or so while BioTwit monitors you and your environment in the background. Then it begins to guess your thoughts based on your history and other information it knows about you. You can OK it’s suggestions for posting, with a thumbs up or down, or you can edit them and then post. BioTwit gets better over time. Eventually you can let it fly solo and do the work for you.”
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Posted in Technology

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Testicles Suddenly Appearing Again in Washington DC

Posted on December 2, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington DC – To the amazement of researchers, the press and followers of politics in general, testicles have been seen again in Washington after a long absence. First thought to be a fluke, sightings have been reported as far away as the Capital Building and some Senate offices. Civil service personnel who track such things say they have not seen such a rapid increase in the testicular population the Kennedy administration. “They are just busting out all over,” said Stan Myers, a security guard at the House of Representatives.
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Posted in National, Politics

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Libby Dole And The Alaska Disasta To Run in 2012?

Posted on December 2, 2008 | Leave a comment

Anchorage, AK - Following their defeats in the fall elections, Sarah Palin and Elizabeth Dole have decided to take their message directly to the people through their common passion: gangsta rap. “People will see who we really are – mavericks who do our own thing. We are the original ‘gangstas,’” said Palin. “I want people to come and have a good time and hear about how we want to shake things up. Libby and I are using this to get the message out to young people to come join our volunteer army for 2012. Libby thinks she will be on the top of the ticket, but we can’t both be young and beautifly, now can we?” said Palin.
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Posted in National

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Today’s Poem: The Ostrich, by Ogden Nash

Posted on December 1, 2008 | Leave a comment

The ostrich roams the great Sahara.
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra.
It has such long and lofty legs,
I’m glad it sits to lay its eggs.

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Posted in National

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Stretch Your Food Dollars: Eat Every Other Week

Posted on December 1, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington, DC - The outgoing Bush administration’s Department of Health and Human Services announced a new initiative today, in response to the deteriorating economy. “We realize that it is getting harder for some people to put food on the table. And we know that obesity is costing the healthcare system a great deal. So we are recommending that people who are struggling financially put themselves on a schedule and only eat every other week. We call it the No Food Diet,” said Secretary Mike Leavitt. “Our ancestors ate when they had something to eat and fasted when they didn’t. This is just a variation on an old theme.”
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Sarah Palin Wants To Open ANWR To Moose Drilling

Posted on November 30, 2008 | 1 Comment

Anchorage, AK – Governor Palin announced a proposal today to open sections of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to moose drilling. “We have to do everything we can to help develop local industry and tourism. Alaska has sixty percent of the world’s moose. Moose drilling is a rapidly expanding sport with a lot of room for newcomers. I like to drill them from the air with a few of my friends,” said Palin. Alaska Fish and Game officials said they would announce more details to the governors plans as they became available.

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New Investment Vehicle: Garbage

Posted on November 29, 2008 | Leave a comment

Corpus Christi, TX - Americans are looking frantically for a place to put their money these days. Steve Knight of Corpus Christi thinks he has found an answer. “Instead of paying companies to take our trash and haul it to the landfill, we buy American trash and sell it to foreign countries. It is a win-win-win,” said Knight. The theory is that there are whole communities of people who live on what they find in dumps outside some of the largest cities in the world. To the people living in dump in Cambodia, a load of American trash is a gold mine. “We bid on hauling contracts and instead of paying tippage fees, we spend that money shipping the trash to places like Cambodia. It sounds crazy, but Americans have the most valuable trash in the world,” said Knight.cambodia_dump1

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Man Invests Life Savings In Giant Gumball

Posted on November 28, 2008 | Leave a comment

Minot, SD - James Radison of Minot, South Dakota is a man on a mission. He wants to create the world’s largest gumball. Radison, who is 75 and retired, has spent years buying gumballs from machines and then chewing and pasting them together into one large recycled gumball. “My wife finally kicked me out of the house, so I’m living in a neighbor’s barn. But I still get to chew every day. It keeps me occupied. And there is nothing like the feeling of watching it just grow and grow. It is getting harder to keep it round though.” When asked how he spends the rest of his time, Radison said “I spend a lot of time keeping the animals away from it.”
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Helicopter Parents Form New Association

Posted on November 28, 2008 | 1 Comment

Long Beach, CA - The Helicopter United Parents Toward World Oversight (HUPTWO) announced it’s first annual meeting and conference schedule today. The association of was formed to create opportunities for hyper-involved parents to become even more involved in their children’s lives. “It isn’t enough to have a parent apartment in their college town or follow them via GPS tracking of their cell phones. We want to know who they are with and help them make better choices in their friends and activities,” said President Sally Fielding. The conference will feature workshops on topics such as yoga for fetuses and boyfriend background checks. The trade show floor will include vendors of keystroke monitoring software, surveillance cameras, and lifetime family vacation timeshare plans.
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New Lexicon Of Curses For Irritated Drivers

Posted on November 15, 2008 | Leave a comment

Portland, OR - DumbS**t Publishing is preparing a new lexicon of phrases designed to aid drivers who are running out of swear words to apply to stupid drivers. “I think it will help put driver’s feelings into words so they won’t get so frustrated. We are all tired of using the same old names for idiots on the road. I solicited driving curses from all over the world. Different cultures are very creative when it comes to excoriating someone for stupid behavior . Taxi drivers are a wonderful sources,” said publisher Arnold Simpson.

Here are some examples from the upcoming lexicon:

If someone cuts you off in traffic, try calling him “the stain the camel left on your mother’s wedding dress,” as taxi drivers in the Sudan sometimes do.

Or if you want to get someones attention who is talking on a cell phone and paying little attention to their driving, you might imagine yourself in Australia: “Hey drongo! You’re about three chops short of a barbie.”

The new lexion, called “Up Yours, With Feeling,” will be available in bookstores  this Christmas.

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American Christianists To Convene: “Jesus Is Our CEO”

Posted on September 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Colorado Springs, CO - “Christianism takes up where Christianity left off. Christianity is all about the meek inheriting the earth and do unto others, which we think, frankly, is a misinterpretation of the Bible. Christianism is about bending others to our will, um, I mean the will of Jesus,” said Reverend James Blobson of Focus On the Fetus. “We believe the corporate model is the structure that Jesus intended to use to run the world, with himself as CEO. Until he returns, we will pick one to reign in his place.” The first Christianist convention will take place in Colorado Springs, Colorado in February of 2009 and feature George Bush and Sarah Palin as keynote speakers.

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Posted in Business, Politics

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Male Stupidity Linked To Bed-Sharing, Though Sex Improves Listening Skills

Posted on September 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Vienna, Austria – Theories about male stupidity go as far back to Adam and Eve. Now “brain drain” due to bed-sharing has been identified as a cause of decreased cognitive function in men. “We weren’t meant to share beds. Sex and sleeping together is a modern phenomenon, ” said researchers who developed the study. The syndrome seems to affect men far more than women, as women seem to be programmed to handle sleep interruption better than men. The study did show that sex appeared to improve male listening skills. “At least the men appeared to be listening after sex, but maybe they were finally able to get some sleep,” said the researchers.

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Posted in Science

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