As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and says, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She quickly takes off all her clothes and says, “Is there somebody on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A guys stands up, takes off his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
Did vos ulterius? Quoniam vos blew mihi absentis
Did you fart? Because you blew me away.
April 2, 1513 – Ponce de Leon discovers south Florida and claims it for Spain, saying in a letter to the King, “Your Highness, it is a fair and verdant land that the locals call ‘Cougar Town.”
Anagrams for “Tea Party Member”
Berate, Temp Army!
Maybe Rear Tempt?
Tame Party Ember
On June 28, 767, St. Paul I ended his reign as Catholic pope. “I just want to slow down, maybe open a gelato store. Being pope isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The robes are itchy, my bunions hurt and that Archdeacon Theophylact, what a pain, ” he said.
We note that the US government is the all-time champion when it comes to creating acronyms.
Here are just a few of the acronyms in use by the US Government:
Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds (FICMNEW)
National Center for Zoonotic, Vector-Borne, and Enteric Diseases (NCZVED)
Office of the National Counterintelligence Executive (ONCIX)
We also note that there are a few acronyms missing from the official government list. So in the interest of public awareness, we offer the acronyms for some of the more obscure government agencies:
Council on Civic Crime In Xanadu (COCCIX)
Aviation Reconnaissance Mapping of Plant Infestation Territories (ARMPIT)
Secretaries Office for Underwater Nostalgia – Division of Asset Services, Liason, Enforcement, and Entertainment Planning (SOUNDASLEEP)
The ping of cop is dead. Our once hung and prance some yince is no more. Today in Wallyhood the bone lines are fizzy. It was array of doomers. Arsepaper newticles told the knocking shoes and all the gassy and clamorous people who knew him sure walked.
Yack in my booth I was a fan of Jichael Mackson. I would scum home from cool, flip on the TV and chew through the flannels until I sound him finging. I never believed he was salving hex with those boys. Adherances can be perceptive. He would never throws a pet to them. Jichael was religious and a lit of a boner. He just wanted to lay a proud with them. But the long arm of the straw wanted him gowned and bagged. They wanted to damp clown on him. He was kicked up by the pops, taken in in their quad scars and held until he would tart stocking. But Jichael vowed to bite to the fitter bend. Thank God the barges were chaseless and eventually he was gowned filthy.
At fifty, Jichael was canning a plum back. He was towing on gur, going out to feet his mans once more. Until yesterday when they found him fled on door. So today we say a bad good sigh to the ping of cop. Jichael, we will always fee your bans. You were a drawn beamer and your star will brine shite in the heavens.
I’ve tried off and on to learn the game of golf. It isn’t like learning to play ping pong or chess. It is more like learning to pay to be humiliated in nice surroundings. My first golf instructor was a young stud named Greg. Nice guy, big hair, tight pants. My wife liked him right way. He spent most of our first lesson inspecting her ass and then showing her how to hold the club. He even told her to “waggle.” No kidding, just like in the movie Tin Cup. In the process of helping my wife he looked over his shoulder and told me I needed “swing thoughts” to help guide my swing motion. “Think of throwing a bucket of water” he said.
I’ve had a lot of swing thoughts since then. Sometimes I think of swinging and hurling a yo-yo on a string at a midget (excuse me, a Little Person.) Sometimes Greg is the Little Person, sometimes it’s my high school gym teacher.
Here are some of my more printable swing thoughts:
• I bet Tiger doesn’t need swing thoughts
• Is my butt sitting out too far?
• When do I get to the point where I can hit the ball farther than I can throw my club?
• Why is it called a bunker? Is there something there I should know about?
• Why do I need spikes on my shoes? Is there something around here I need to step on?
• Who is that guy with the clipboard at the first tee who reminds me of my high school math teacher? Can I kick his ass?
• How come I can’t hit one of the Canada geese on the course, no matter how close they are or how carefully I aim?
• Why do they call it a fairway? What is so fair about it?
• If I wanted a handicap I’d drop my pants.
• Who are those girls riding around on the snack carts bending over to get your Bud Light and showing off their underwear? Can’t they see I’m trying to golf here?
• Who is the guy who reminds me of my junior high teacher who drives around telling us to play faster? Can I kick his ass too?
• Waggle!
The browser could not find the host server for the provided address.
* Did you make a mistake when typing the domain?
* Are you certain this domain address exists?
* Is your computer or network inhabited by small rodents who may have eaten it’s vital parts?
* Is this really what you want to be doing with your life?
* Have you looked at yourself lately?
* Whatever happened to that woman you met at your high school reunion?
* What are your afraid of?
TRY AGAIN
Washington DC - Former Vice President Dick Cheney will enter Walter Reed hospital next week for a rare procedure to remove a large portion of his spleen. “There are some people who have an overactive spleen. The former Vice President has the most overactive one I’ve ever seen. This should make him more comfortable and help with the frequent venting,” said head surgeon Dr. Justin Anout.
Words are falling out of common use everyday. When was the last time you used a shoe hook, went pace egging or ate haggis? Or for that matter, when was the last time you heard of someone obambulating? We note that to obambulate means to wander aimlessly. However, this muscular and clinical sounding word is crying out for a more common definition. So we offer the following alternative definition:
Obambulate
intransitive verb, obambulate, obambulating
1. to choke to near asphyxiation during a violent verbal tirade against Barack Obama, as in “Mr. Limbaugh obambulated on his show again today and had to be taken to the emergency room.”
People who grew up with pop music and are appreciative of songs that incorporate melody, meter, and lyrics are often at a loss when it comes to opera. “What is she doing behind the horse?” and “I can’t get past the ear pain” are comments often heard from modern opera-phobes.
A fear of opera can sometimes be relieved by understanding it’s origins. Opera was invented by mid-evil European monarchs who wanted elaborate distractions in the evening to help disguise the noise from their stomach distress and the occasional drawing-and-quartering of petty criminals . The monarchs asked their court composers to come up with something loud, long, inscrutable, and if all else failed, to march in the army wearing thong underwear. Many other ancient art forms born from less inspiration endure today. Consider the Ice Capades. The Ice Capades began when early farmers had to cross frozen lakes in winter to reach their fields and held onto the tails of cows to steady themselves. The cows would become frightened and let go of their bowels. The farmers would dance wildly to avoid the bovine barrage and eventually someone put the whole thing to pop music.
Opera novices will find that learning something about the underlying story before attending a performance will enhance their enjoyment. For example, consider Mozart’s classic tale of the Magic Flute. The Magic Flute showcases many classic plot elements of this timeless art form: a gay prince, a gay serpent, a gay bird catcher who dresses in feathers — except for winter formals, some handsome slaves, a Queen of the Night, bondage, a priest (not what you are thinking,) secret initiation rites (“Oh Isis and Osiris!”,) and lovely silver bells with matching candlesticks. Oh, and a flute. I won’t spoil the ending for you except to say that it involves a happy couple moving into a very well decorated bird’s nest.
Opera has a vocabulary all it’s own. There are a few terms the opera novice must be familiar with:
Goetterdaemmerung: this is the sound an opera director makes when he hears a new opera for the first time.
Bass: the lowest male voice. A bass performer can often be identified by a large “fish-in-the-pants.”
Basso buffo: false six-pack abs worn by a leading man.
Canzone: opera people are big and often pork up on these traditional delicacies after a tiring performance. You can buy them in the frozen food section next to the cavatinas.
Sotto voce: a director will often ask a performer to sing “under the voice” or sometimes even “under the influence.” Singing sotto voce can be compared to “whistling Dixie” from an alternate orifice and can be very effective in a large theater.
Spinto: a kind of voice which is “pushed” through a constriction or “spincter.”
Many people are surprised to learn that operas have a beginning, middle and end. “Can I leave now?” is often heard in darkened opera halls from neophytes who believe it is over when the fat lady sings or who think that opera is about having a fun night out. Don’t let their comments concern you. There is a natural fear of being played the fool when three hours have passed, the muppet people on stage have barely moved, and no one has died in a car crash or gotten laid. The Friends of Opera, or the Dixie Whistlers as they are often called, publish opera guides with tips for those who are new to the art form. For example, some enthusiasts find singing along often helps their enjoyment and that of those around them. If you do not know all the words, ululating, like an Arab woman expressing grief, can fill in the gaps. A new opera buff at the Metropolitan reported, while singing along in this manner, that she attracted the animated attention of the stars at a recent performance.
Opera has a thriving market in collectables that you may also enjoy. The early “Pavarotti is a Hotti” buttons are selling on eBay at amazing prices. You might consider enhancing your opera experience by accessorizing with some of these collectables when you attend a performance, especially the faux opera costumes, in the manner made popular by the Rocky Horror Picture Show audiences. Some theaters have reserved special rooms for people who attend in this attire. Look for the audience members who are warming up by ululating to each other in the lobby. They can show you where it is.
If I haven’t yet convinced you of the joys of opera, perhaps an illustration may help you decide if opera is worth exploring. Consider the story of three friends, a psychologist, a judge and a fraternity member who went together to the opera for the first time. As they were leaving the theater after the show the psychologist said, ” I loved the Nietzschean emphasis on the absurd and the strong Jungian sub-text.” The judge said, “I enjoyed the morality play and the prototypical struggle between good and evil.” The fraternity member replied, “Did you see the hooters on that she-male?”
Indeed, opera has something for everyone who is willing to put their fears aside, as well as what they know about entertainment.
Chicago, IL- With the worldwide economic decline, the after-market for recycled human body parts is heating up. Unscrupulous funeral directors have profited for years from surreptitiously parting out uncle Chuck like an old Buick. Remember Alistair Cooke, the doddering old Brit with the sleep-inducing show “Masterpiece Theater” on public TV? Your probably do not want to know what happened to him after he died. Now a new organization called freewilly.org is dedicated to developing a free and open market for human body parts with funding from the American Funeral Directors Association. “There is a lot of value in giving life back to the living. We just want to be a partner in that process,” said FreeWilly Director, Richard Member. Currently the largest market for transplant tissue is for penis phalloplasty, the transplantation of penile tissue from cadavers for penis enhancement. “We hope to remove the mystery and stigma from donorship and help grow awareness,” said Member.
San Franciso, CA – Mark Felt, known during the Watergate era as Deep Throat, died on December 19. He left a letter in his will to be opened after his death. The letter will be published in it’s entirety shortly, but here is an excerpt:
“Kidding! I made the whole thing up. A bunch of us at the Bureau couldn’t stand Nixon, saw through his bullshit, so we faked the early tapes, the break in, everything. Nixon was shit-faced drunk most of the time, and actually thought the whole thing was his idea, even took credit for it. We fed it to Woodward and Bernstein — now there is a pair of chumps — and then it just snowballed.”
Posted in National
Tagged deep throat, fake, humor, mark felt, nixon, woodward and bernstein
Adelphi, Maryland – Researchers at the University of Maryland have confirmed what folk wisdom has known for years — love makes you stupid. In a twelve-month randomized study, one hundred volunteer students who self-identified as in the early stages of love were compared with one hundred control subjects who defined themselves as “just dating” or “between relationships.” The volunteers, ages 18-22, were given standard IQ tests over a twelve month period. Subjects in the “in-love” group scored 10-25 points lower early in the testing period. Their test scored improved as their relationships deteriorated over the twelve-month period. “We did find a statistically significant difference between male and female volunteers. Males were far stupider than females. Some were unable to identify their next of kin,” said Dr. Mark Conrad, who conducted the research.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
I am reasonably good-looking, healthy, 24 year-old guy with a decent job. But I have a problem. I am color blind. My friends have tried to help me pick clothes and so on, but no matter what, I end up looking like I just blew in from Hicksville. It is seriously affecting my ability to find dates. Women look at me like I was raised by wolves. Any suggestions?
–Kinda Blind
Dear Kinda,
Your problem is fairly common. Biologically speaking, there is a good reason for your color blindness. Much of human ancestry lived in caves at some point, but your relatives were some of the last to leave. Color perception doesn’t help much in cave life. Your ancestors were successful, because they passed their genes on to you. Cave dwellers also used wolves as baby sitters and wolves are as color blind as they come. A wolf can’t tell pink from purple or peuce. Women know this instinctively. When it comes to finding potential mates, the trick is to find someone who is on your extended family tree, but far enough away to avoid making the Hicksville problem even worse. Look for women who have translucent skin, poor eyesight and live in basement apartments with large, angry dogs. Happy hunting.
Anagram for “Barack Obama”:
Maraca Kabob
Kabul, Afghanistan - The CIA has a history of paying for information. Lately they have been getting more creative, or desperate, in their fight against the Taliban by offering Viagra to Afghan warlords as an incentive for information.
The reaction among locals has been mixed. Some villages have erupted in turmoil, while others see men returning from fighting who have not been seen in town in months. “Um, I just came back to get my other shoes,” said one smiling warlord who declined to give his name.
Dallas, TX - Those paper insert cards publishers put in magazines to solicit new subscriptions are in short supply in many areas of the country. The cause has not yet been established. “We think they are going to collectors,” said Dave Olmyer of the Magazine Publishers Association.
