“Why do people pick their noses while driving? Do they think no one can see them? I am appalled. Sometimes when I get stuck in traffic and look around, I feel like I am at the zoo and the animals are feeding.”

-Stuck and Disgusted

Dear Stuck,

Your zoo analogy is quite appropriate. Nose picking is part of animal grooming and serves as a bonding behavior in groups. Those people sitting in the cars around you have subconsciously formed a temporary tribe while stuck in traffic and are reverting to bonding behavior. Why fight it? You might join them next time and see if you make a new friend.

–Mr. Biologist

I am reasonably good-looking, healthy, 24 year-old guy with a decent job. But I have a problem. I am color blind. My friends have tried to help me pick clothes and so on, but no matter what, I end up looking like I just blew in from Hicksville. It is seriously affecting my ability to find dates. Women look at me like I was raised by wolves. Any suggestions?

–Kinda Blind

Dear Kinda,

Your problem is fairly common. Biologically speaking, there is a good reason for your color blindness. Much of human ancestry lived in caves at some point, but your relatives were some of the last to leave. Color perception doesn’t help much in cave life. Your ancestors were successful, because they passed their genes on to you. Cave dwellers also used wolves as baby sitters and wolves are as color blind as they come. A wolf can’t tell pink from purple or peuce. Women know this instinctively. When it comes to finding potential mates, the trick is to find someone who is on your extended family tree, but far enough away to avoid making the Hicksville problem even worse. Look for women who have translucent skin, poor eyesight and live in basement apartments with large, angry dogs. Happy hunting.

Why don’t women go bald as they age, like men do?

-Happily Hairy On Top

Dear Happily,

At a time in our evolutionary past when our ancestors lived in caves, men were accustomed to raiding other settlements to find wives and girlfriends. Think of it as an early form of speed dating. Much of the social dating protocols we know today were not developed yet. Men basically grabbed the women and dragged them by their hair back to their caves, while fighting off angry relatives in the process. Distances between settlements were long and women needed strong hair roots to survive the journey. The ones who made it back to the new cave to reproduce passed on their strong hair root genes, which you enjoy today. The ones with weaker roots did not survive the journey. Over time mate selection has evolved into the more two-way hair pulling process we know today.

–Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,

Your boyfriend is descended from tribal apes, as you are, my dear. He is a dominant male, from your description. Some of his ancestors exerted their dominance by breathing directly on others and daring them to fight or flee. As long as you do neither, your position with him is assured. If, on the other hand, you view him as unsuitable breeding material, you might offer him a plate of homemade cinnamon sticky buns, which will flatter his male ego, and make your getaway while he struggles for breath.