Dear Mr. Biologist,
My dog Henry caught a Norway rat in the backyard. Henry just wanted a playmate, but the rat seemed quite upset — he even bit Henry. That just made Henry want to play even more. I believe all living things are sacred, so I don’t want to kill the rat. Is there any way these two can get along?
Rats make wonderful pets for people but can be standoffish with dogs. I suggest you make a special place in our house for the rat, entice him in with peanut butter perhaps, and see if you can get him to live indoors part of the time. As he gets used to you, slowly re-introduce him to Henry. If things work out, you have a happy household again. If they still can’t get along, you may need to find another home for Henry.
Posted in advice
Tagged advice, dog, rat
Dear Mr. Mechanic,
I’m tired of going out with self-absorbed jerks. What happened to all the great guys that used to hang out together and work on their cars? I dated a guy in high school who was cute, funny and always smelled slightly of gasoline. I loved him and found the smell very sexy. He and his friends were fun to be with and didn’t take things too seriously. Where do I find those those type of guys today?
–Looking In The Wrong Places
Cheer up, darlin’. Those guys are still out there. There is just one problem — they are all sixty years old. If you don’t mind dating a guy who thinks Green Day is when they close the golf course for lawn maintenance, you are set. No, honestly here is what you do. You look up on The Google where the nearest race track is. Go there on a Saturday, sit in the stands and be sure to dress a little tacky. You know what I’m sayin’? Skin tight dress, big earrings, red lipstick. Guys are simple beings and you need to get their attention. Between heats (races) wander down to the pits (where they work on the cars) and act interested in what is going on. You don’t have to know jack about cars, just act interested. If you don’t get at least three date offers from nice guys before the last race is over, call me. In fact, just skip the track and call me.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
I have the best girlfriend a woman could ever want. She is always there for me and we have been through a lot together. We talk about nearly everything. The only thing is, she has some poor personal grooming habits. One of them drives me crazy. She has hair growing out of her ears and nose and won’t do anything about it. Some days she looks like she needs mowing. Should I say something to her about it?
–Turned Off By Hairy Ears
Biologically your hirsute friend has inherited a genetic adaptation that allowed her distant ancestors who lived in the northern latitudes during the last ice age to avoid frostbite on exposed parts of the body. I’m sure a few hundred generations back, her ancestors were regular fuzzbutts. I’m sure she has hair in other “wrong” places too. If it offends you, you might consider that some people find body hair attractive. I have an Aunt who married a man who looked like a black bear in the shower. She always said she could knit sweaters with what she found in the tub after Uncle Rod was done. So my suggestion is to remember that everyone has their own unique genetic legacy and simply look for other things about her to criticize.
You may have seen emails sent by the HR department at work extolling the importance of diversity. You may have even been invited to mandatory “diversity training”. Now that we have a bi-racial president and women represent approximately sixty percent of the graduating class at many universities, many middle-age men may be feeling at sea when it comes to navigating the waters of the new, politically-correct workplace. If this describes you, here are a few tips to making the last decade or two of your work life go a little easier.
First, try to make an effort to engage the younger women in your workplace. They grew up in a much more egalitarian environment where women were free to talk to men as peers. Make them feel at ease by treating them as you would your own peers. You might start a conversation by asking about their weekend: “Hey, did you get any last night?” Or you might inquire about how her car is running, or comment on your own: “the fuckin’ useless made-in-DEE-TROIT piece of shit is givin’ me hemorrhoids,” will open the conversation on common ground.
The new workplace is all about equality and being non-threatening. Young men today are sensitive and take things personally. No one ever took them out duck hunting in a freezing snowstorm and and made it clear to them that their shit stinks like everyone elses. In fact, some of them believe it smells like air freshener. Instead of calling a twenty-something male a “dick wad” or a “turd blossom” as you would men your own age ( sensitive types actually take offense at this) you might say you “look like something the cat drug in” or “is that your hair or your toilet brush?” That makes it more objective and less personal. If these things don’t lighten things up a bit, suggest they watch the movie Gran Turino.
Next week we will discuss how to connect with a boss who is younger than you. Hint: learn to krump without slipping a disk.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
My boyfriend is a great guy. He is handsome, works out, has a good job and is really fun to be around. But there is one thing he does that creeps me out. He is a mouth breather. His mouth is always part way open and it makes him look a bit stupid. Should I say something to him?
Your boyfriend is descended from tribal apes, as you are, my dear. He is a dominant male, from your description. Some of his ancestors exerted their dominance by breathing directly on others and daring them to fight or flee. As long as you do neither, your position with him is assured. If, on the other hand, you view him as unsuitable breeding material, you might offer him a plate of homemade cinnamon sticky buns, which will flatter his male ego, and make your getaway while he struggles for breath.