Dear Mr. Biologist,
My dog Henry caught a Norway rat in the backyard. Henry just wanted a playmate, but the rat seemed quite upset — he even bit Henry. That just made Henry want to play even more. I believe all living things are sacred, so I don’t want to kill the rat. Is there any way these two can get along?
–Wondering
Dear Wondering,
Rats make wonderful pets for people but can be standoffish with dogs. I suggest you make a special place in our house for the rat, entice him in with peanut butter perhaps, and see if you can get him to live indoors part of the time. As he gets used to you, slowly re-introduce him to Henry. If things work out, you have a happy household again. If they still can’t get along, you may need to find another home for Henry.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
I have the best girlfriend a girl could ever want. She is always there for me and we have been through a lot together. We talk about almost everything. The only thing is, she has some poor personal grooming habits. One of them drives me crazy. She has hair growing out of her ears and nose and won’t do anything about it. Some days she looks like she needs mowing. Should I say something to her about it?
–Turned Off By Hairy Ears
Dear Turned,
Biologically your hirsute friend has inherited a genetic adaptation that allowed her distant ancestors who lived in the northern latitudes during the last ice age to avoid frostbite on exposed parts of the body. I’m sure a few hundred generations back, her ancestors were regular fuzzbutts. I’m sure she has hair in other “wrong” places too. If it offends you, you might consider that some people find body hair attractive. I have an Aunt who married a man who looks like a black bear in the shower. She always said she could knit sweaters with what she found in the tub after Uncle Rod got out. So my suggestion is to remember that everyone has their own unique genetic legacy and simply look for other things about her to criticize.
Sincerely,
Mr. Biologist
How To Get A Great Shave
Men are taking better care of their appearance these days. However, great looks and great clothes don’t mean much without also having a great shave. In these tough economic times, you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on badger-hair brushes, english shave creams and double-edge razors. In fact, you don’t have to spend anything at all. And throw away those disposable piece-of-junk plastic razors. (Can you imagine what they will think of us in the future when they find all those disposable razors in the landfills? Who were these guys? Who would use a piece of crap like this twice and then leave it here for a thousand years? What assholes!)
Here’s how to get a great shave using ordinary things you find around the house.
First pre-soak your face for several minutes with a mixture of Clorox bleach and Budweiser beer. The bleach softens the whiskers and the beer will remind you of all those china-bowl hugging good times you had in college. The Bud will also help distract you from the searing pain. No pain, no gain, remember? You may find yourself dancing around a while until the pain dulls down. I like to put on some James Brown and crank it up. “I Feel Good!” While you are at it, dance like you mean it. Nobody is watching. Your wife already thinks you are crazy.
Next, borrow the best steak knife from the kitchen and get your can of WD-40 from the garage. Spray the WD-40 on your face and begin working north-to-south with the edge of the knife, being careful to stay away from your jugular. Men used to shave with sharp knives and water before the marketing types got involved. Get real with it. Enjoy it. Keep the touch light and even. Grin into the mirror and say “I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Finally, finish off with with another splash of the Bleach-and-Bud. After performing this ritual in the morning, you will be able to face anything your boss throws at you.
Next week we will talk about how to put on tire chains without losing your mind.
Happy shaving.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
Why does my dog hump my leg all the time? It can’t be all that satisfying, if you know what I mean. I had him “fixed’ but it didn’t seem to change his behavior.
–Tired and Sore
Dear Sore,
Many dog owners are not aware of the social function of owner leg humping in the canine world. Leg humping serves as a territorial reminder and a signaling behavior. It establishes your dog’s ownership of you as their property and also signals fellow dogs that you are pliable and foolish enough to allow your leg to be humped in public. A pliable and foolish owner is a high status commodity in the dog world and your dog knows it. He will show off your foolishness whenever he can. Notice the approving smiles on the nearby dogs. If this bothers you, you might try reversing the behavior and establish your ownership of your dog in front of his peers before he has a chance to dominate you. Dogs are all about territory, social status and dominance. Your dog will develop a new respect for you (I didn’t think he had it in him! ) and you will have more a peaceful household.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
“Why do people pick their noses while driving? Do they think no one can see them? I am appalled. Sometimes when I get stuck in traffic and look around, I feel like I am at the zoo and the animals are feeding.”
-Stuck and Disgusted
Dear Stuck,
Your zoo analogy is quite appropriate. Nose picking is part of animal grooming and serves as a bonding behavior in groups. Those people sitting in the cars around you have subconsciously formed a temporary tribe while stuck in traffic and are reverting to bonding behavior. Why fight it? You might join them next time and see if you make a new friend.
–Mr. Biologist
Dear Mr. Biologist,
I am reasonably good-looking, healthy, 24 year-old guy with a decent job. But I have a problem. I am color blind. My friends have tried to help me pick clothes and so on, but no matter what, I end up looking like I just blew in from Hicksville. It is seriously affecting my ability to find dates. Women look at me like I was raised by wolves. Any suggestions?
–Kinda Blind
Dear Kinda,
Your problem is fairly common. Biologically speaking, there is a good reason for your color blindness. Much of human ancestry lived in caves at some point, but your relatives were some of the last to leave. Color perception doesn’t help much in cave life. Your ancestors were successful, because they passed their genes on to you. Cave dwellers also used wolves as baby sitters and wolves are as color blind as they come. A wolf can’t tell pink from purple or peuce. Women know this instinctively. When it comes to finding potential mates, the trick is to find someone who is on your extended family tree, but far enough away to avoid making the Hicksville problem even worse. Look for women who have translucent skin, poor eyesight and live in basement apartments with large, angry dogs. Happy hunting.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
My boyfriend is a jerk. He treats me like dirt, has no job, sleeps all day, drinks like a fish and thinks he knows everything. I want to leave him, but there is one problem: he makes me laugh. What to do?
Antsey In Jersey,
Dear Antsey,
Your dilemma is a common one. We bond to people who excite the area of our brains responsible for intense pleasure known as the nucleus accumbens or the BAH-DA-BING center. In most people this region predominates. As long as your boyfriend makes you laugh you are completely helpless to change this situation. The solution is to become as depressed as possible, perhaps by watching reruns of The Price Is Right, until his laugh power over you subsides. Then you will see him for the lower order knuckle-dragger that he is and seek a higher order man-ape who not only makes you laugh, but also takes out the trash without being asked and looks good in an Armani suit.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
Why don’t women go bald as they age, like men do?
-Happily Hairy On Top
Dear Happily,
At a time in our evolutionary past when our ancestors lived in caves, men were accustomed to raiding other settlements to find wives and girlfriends. Think of it as an early form of speed dating. Much of the social dating protocols we know today were not developed yet. Men basically grabbed the women and dragged them by their hair back to their caves, while fighting off angry relatives in the process. Distances between settlements were long and women needed strong hair roots to survive the journey. The ones who made it back to the new cave to reproduce passed on their strong hair root genes, which you enjoy today. The ones with weaker roots did not survive the journey. Over time mate selection has evolved into the more two-way hair pulling process we know today.
Dear Mr. Biologist,
My boyfriend is a great guy. He is handsome, works out, has a good job and is really fun to be around. But there is one thing he does that creeps me out. He is a mouth breather. His mouth is always part way open and it makes him look a bit stupid. Should I say something to him?
–Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated,
Your boyfriend is descended from tribal apes, as you are, my dear. He is a dominant male, from your description. Some of his ancestors exerted their dominance by breathing directly on others and daring them to fight or flee. As long as you do neither, your position with him is assured. If, on the other hand, you view him as unsuitable breeding material, you might offer him a plate of homemade cinnamon sticky buns, which will flatter his male ego, and make your getaway while he struggles for breath.
How To Enjoy Opera
People who grew up with pop music and are appreciative of songs that incorporate melody, meter, and lyrics are often at a loss when it comes to opera. “What is she doing behind the horse?” and “I can’t get past the ear pain” are comments often heard from modern opera-phobes.
A fear of opera can sometimes be relieved by understanding it’s origins. Opera was invented by mid-evil European monarchs who wanted elaborate distractions in the evening to help disguise the noise from their stomach distress and the occasional drawing-and-quartering of petty criminals . The monarchs asked their court composers to come up with something loud, long, inscrutable, and if all else failed, to march in the army wearing thong underwear. Many other ancient art forms born from less inspiration endure today. Consider the Ice Capades. The Ice Capades began when early farmers had to cross frozen lakes in winter to reach their fields and held onto the tails of cows to steady themselves. The cows would become frightened and let go of their bowels. The farmers would dance wildly to avoid the bovine barrage and eventually someone put the whole thing to pop music.
Opera novices will find that learning something about the underlying story before attending a performance will enhance their enjoyment. For example, consider Mozart’s classic tale of the Magic Flute. The Magic Flute showcases many classic plot elements of this timeless art form: a gay prince, a gay serpent, a gay bird catcher who dresses in feathers — except for winter formals, some handsome slaves, a Queen of the Night, bondage, a priest (not what you are thinking,) secret initiation rites (“Oh Isis and Osiris!”,) and lovely silver bells with matching candlesticks. Oh, and a flute. I won’t spoil the ending for you except to say that it involves a happy couple moving into a very well decorated bird’s nest.
Opera has a vocabulary all it’s own. There are a few terms the opera novice must be familiar with:
Goetterdaemmerung: this is the sound an opera director makes when he hears a new opera for the first time.
Bass: the lowest male voice. A bass performer can often be identified by a large “fish-in-the-pants.”
Basso buffo: false six-pack abs worn by a leading man.
Canzone: opera people are big and often pork up on these traditional delicacies after a tiring performance. You can buy them in the frozen food section next to the cavatinas.
Sotto voce: a director will often ask a performer to sing “under the voice” or sometimes even “under the influence.” Singing sotto voce can be compared to “whistling Dixie” from an alternate orifice and can be very effective in a large theater.
Spinto: a kind of voice which is “pushed” through a constriction or “spincter.”
Many people are surprised to learn that operas have a beginning, middle and end. “Can I leave now?” is often heard in darkened opera halls from neophytes who believe it is over when the fat lady sings or who think that opera is about having a fun night out. Don’t let their comments concern you. There is a natural fear of being played the fool when three hours have passed, the muppet people on stage have barely moved, and no one has died in a car crash or gotten laid. The Friends of Opera, or the Dixie Whistlers as they are often called, publish opera guides with tips for those who are new to the art form. For example, some enthusiasts find singing along often helps their enjoyment and that of those around them. If you do not know all the words, ululating, like an Arab woman expressing grief, can fill in the gaps. A new opera buff at the Metropolitan reported, while singing along in this manner, that she attracted the animated attention of the stars at a recent performance.
Opera has a thriving market in collectables that you may also enjoy. The early “Pavarotti is a Hotti” buttons are selling on eBay at amazing prices. You might consider enhancing your opera experience by accessorizing with some of these collectables when you attend a performance, especially the faux opera costumes, in the manner made popular by the Rocky Horror Picture Show audiences. Some theaters have reserved special rooms for people who attend in this attire. Look for the audience members who are warming up by ululating to each other in the lobby. They can show you where it is.
If I haven’t yet convinced you of the joys of opera, perhaps an illustration may help you decide if opera is worth exploring. Consider the story of three friends, a psychologist, a judge and a fraternity member who went together to the opera for the first time. As they were leaving the theater after the show the psychologist said, ” I loved the Nietzschean emphasis on the absurd and the strong Jungian sub-text.” The judge said, “I enjoyed the morality play and the prototypical struggle between good and evil.” The fraternity member replied, “Did you see the hooters on that she-male?”
Indeed, opera has something for everyone who is willing to put their fears aside, as well as what they know about entertainment.
