The Little Planet Daily

In the movie Waitress the main character expresses herself through the art of creating and naming new pie recipes. She creates her  pies in honor of life’s ups and downs. They help her leaven the losses in her life. (Your correspondent believes this tradition of imbuing pie making with emotional and political meaning began with Ezekiel eating bread baked on human waste.) Before the 2008 presidential election in the fades down the memory hole, we offer the following new pie recipes in honor of the 2008 Presidential candidates:

John McCain’s Live to Thump the Chumps Pie
Start with the Breaded Short Hairs from George Bush’s  Ass. You can Find them all over your chin. Mix in the Spittle of your Former Tormentors, now Rising in your Gorge oven. Marinate in the Money of the Lobbying Elite. Top with a Warm-Crust Smiley Face belying a Vengeful Wrath. Allow to cool on the Window Sill of Ambition until  temperature drops from Nearly Nuclear to merely Too-Hot-to-Handle.

John Edwards Ain’t Ah Special Pie
Start with Not-So-Humble Pie,  add the Semi-Sweet chocolate of Grief made Manifest, grind with the Grist from the Mills of My Daddy, salt with the Factory Sweepings of the Poor who Prop up the Investments, add the Leavening of Luscious Adultery and set aside for another Year or Decade.

Barak Obama’s Mama Didn’t Raise No Fool  Pie
Begin with a Layer of Humanity and Decency. Mix in Temptation and Hesitation until the Batter Begins to Quiver. Add the Fruits and Nuts of Expectations Gone Lunar, and Sweeten with Big Corporate Money, which knows a Roll Over and a Reach Around opportunity when it sees one. Wait a Long Time for the Batter in the Backbone to Stiffen. Will sometimes stiffen quicker if a little Righteous Indignation is added.

Hillary Clinton’s Butter Wouldn’t Melt in my Vagina Pie
Begin with a Standard Methodist Crust made from Corporate Dough basted with the Stains of Humiliation. Mix equal parts Brains and Ambition, and add a cup of Grease of Palm. Bake in the Reflected Heat of the Past until way Overdone.

Rudy Gulliani’s No Shame Mincemeat of  Real 911 Heros Pie
Declare Victory over any Decency you may have ever had, Kiss your Miss(es) , Make Mincemeat of True Heroes and Crush them Well.  Leave the Oven on for Someone else to Tend.

Mitt Romney’s Mormon Underwear Feels Good Under a Tailored Suit Pie
Start with a spinning Moral Compass. Remove the Needle and say you believe in the Equality of All Directions. Layer in the Money until Nothing of the Underlying Pie is Visible. Then Add more Money. Say or Do anything until the Pie Sinks under it’s Own Weight.