East Reynoldsburg, PA – Victoria’s Secret announced today they will introduce a line men’s bras or mansierres this summer. “Let’s face it. Men are beginning to have cleavage. So why not use it to your advantage? Many so-called primitive societies call attention to men’s natural endowment with special clothing. We want to offer today’s men a similar way to control movement and show off their assets,” said product manager Christiana Johnson. The new line will be called Bad Boy Buckets and will be available in denim and leather. “We also have plans for a full line of manty hose,” said Johnson.
Anagrams for “Stephen Colbert”:
Belches pent rot
Be chortle spent
Nobler techs pet
“The Afghans don’t want foreigners running around their country with guns telling them how to suck eggs.”
Anagrams for “Bill O’Reilly”:
Bill Yo’re Ill
Bore Ill Lily
“The hottest part of hell is reserved for those who, at a time of grave moral crisis, steadfastly maintain their neutrality.”
You may have seen emails sent by the HR department at work extolling the importance of diversity. You may have even been invited to mandatory “diversity training”. Now that we have a bi-racial president and women represent approximately sixty percent of the graduating class at many universities, many middle-age men may be feeling at sea when it comes to navigating the waters of the new, politically-correct workplace. If this describes you, here are a few tips to making the last decade or two of your work life go a little easier.
First, try to make an effort to engage the younger women in your workplace. They grew up in a much more egalitarian environment where women were free to talk to men as peers. Make them feel at ease by treating them as you would your own peers. You might start a conversation by asking about their weekend: “Hey, did you get any last night?” Or you might inquire about how her car is running, or comment on your own: “the fuckin’ useless made-in-DEE-TROIT piece of shit is givin’ me hemorrhoids,” will open the conversation on common ground.
The new workplace is all about equality and being non-threatening. Young men today are sensitive and take things personally. No one ever took them out duck hunting in a freezing snowstorm and and made it clear to them that their shit stinks like everyone elses. In fact, some of them believe it smells like air freshener. Instead of calling a twenty-something male a “dick wad” or a “turd blossom” as you would men your own age ( sensitive types actually take offense at this) you might say you “look like something the cat drug in” or “is that your hair or your toilet brush?” That makes it more objective and less personal. If these things don’t lighten things up a bit, suggest they watch the movie Gran Turino.
Next week we will discuss how to connect with a boss who is younger than you. Hint: learn to krump without slipping a disk.
Anagrams for “Rachel Maddow”:
Clad mad her, ow!
Ache, mad world!
Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.
“Homer Alaska – A drinking town with a fishing problem”
“Nature evolved a conscious being that suffers, yet Nature is unconscious and therefore indifferent to suffering. Put that in your Dharma bong and smoke it.”
Chicago, IL- With the worldwide economic decline, the after-market for recycled human body parts is heating up. Unscrupulous funeral directors have profited for years from surreptitiously parting out uncle Chuck like an old Buick. Remember Alistair Cooke, the doddering old Brit with the sleep-inducing show “Masterpiece Theater” on public TV? Your probably do not want to know what happened to him after he died. Now a new organization called freewilly.org is dedicated to developing a free and open market for human body parts with funding from the American Funeral Directors Association. “There is a lot of value in giving life back to the living. We just want to be a partner in that process,” said FreeWilly Director, Richard Member. Currently the largest market for transplant tissue is for penis phalloplasty, the transplantation of penile tissue from cadavers for penis enhancement. “We hope to remove the mystery and stigma from donorship and help grow awareness,” said Member.
Men are taking better care of their appearance these days. However, great looks and great clothes don’t mean much without also having a great shave. In these tough economic times, you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on badger-hair brushes, english shave creams and double-edge razors. In fact, you don’t have to spend anything at all. And throw away those disposable piece-of-junk plastic razors. (Can you imagine what they will think of us in the future when they find all those disposable razors in the landfills? Who were these guys? Who would use a piece of crap like this twice and then leave it here for a thousand years? What assholes!)
Here’s how to get a great shave using ordinary things you find around the house.
First pre-soak your face for several minutes with a mixture of Clorox bleach and Budweiser beer. The bleach softens the whiskers and the beer will remind you of all those china-bowl hugging good times you had in college. The Bud will also help distract you from the searing pain. No pain, no gain, remember? You may find yourself dancing around a while until the pain dulls down. I like to put on some James Brown and crank it up. “I Feel Good!” While you are at it, dance like you mean it. Nobody is watching. Your wife already thinks you are crazy.
Next, borrow the best steak knife from the kitchen and get your can of WD-40 from the garage. Spray the WD-40 on your face and begin working north-to-south with the edge of the knife, being careful to stay away from your jugular. Men used to shave with sharp knives and water before the marketing types got involved. Get real with it. Enjoy it. Keep the touch light and even. Grin into the mirror and say “I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Finally, finish off with with another splash of the Bleach-and-Bud. After performing this ritual in the morning, you will be able to face anything your boss throws at you.
Next week we will talk about how to put on tire chains without losing your mind.
Anagrams for “stimulus package”:
Malaise Stuck Pug
A Seasick Gut Lump
Package Litmus Us