Monthly Archives: December 2008

Ask The Biologist: “Why Don’t Women Go Bald?”

Posted on December 18, 2008 | Leave a comment

Dear Mr. Biologist,

Why don’t women go bald as they age, like men do?

-Happily Hairy On Top

Dear Happily,

At a time in our evolutionary past when our ancestors lived in caves, men were accustomed to raiding other settlements to find wives and girlfriends. Think of it as an early form of speed dating. Much of the social dating protocols we know today were not developed yet. Men basically grabbed the women and dragged them by their hair back to their caves, while fighting off angry relatives in the process. Distances between settlements were long and women needed strong hair roots to survive the journey. The ones who made it back to the new cave to reproduce passed on their strong hair root genes, which you enjoy today. The ones with weaker roots did not survive the journey. Over time mate selection has evolved into the more two-way hair pulling process we know today.
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Posted in Science

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Obama’s Fellow Pastafarians Outraged At Rick Warren Selection

Posted on December 18, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington, DC - President-elect Barack Obama’s not-so-secret ties to the Church of the Flying Noodle Monster are being strained by his selection of evangelical pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback church to give the invocation at his inauguration. “His Noodly Appendage is not pleased,” said Grand Pasta Masta James Robinson.
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Posted in National

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Orgasms During Childbirth?

Posted on December 16, 2008 | Leave a comment

From today’s New York Times:

First thing next month (Friday January 2) will be the primetime debut of a film that has been making the “under the radar” rounds of women and film festivals since May. ABC’s 20/20 will air the documentary “Orgasmic Birth”, by Debra Pascali-Bonaro, a childbirth educator and a doula, which asks the question: What would happen if women were taught to enjoy birth rather than endure it?

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Posted in National

Today’s Palindrome

Posted on December 16, 2008 | Leave a comment

Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak.
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Posted in word play

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Hog Calls For President Bush

Posted on December 15, 2008 | Leave a comment

I love hog calls like those at state fairs around the USA. Great hog calls include a combination of grunting, gutteral sounds and rising syllable notes. They should be able to be hollered and heard for miles and be easily learned and repeated. Champion callers have unique signature calls. Most important of all, they should attract hogs.

We humbly offer these hog calls for President Bush, who surrounds himself with some real champion hogs:

Heeer PigEEE-PigEEE, UHH-HUHH,

NEW-kew-lurr, NEW-kew-lurr ,UHH-HUHH, NEW-kew-lurr,

eye-RAK, eye-RAK, no-bid-CON-tract, UHH-HUHH, no-bid-CON-tract,

Heeer brow-NEE, brow-NEE, brow-NEE

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Posted in word play

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Today’s Poem: My Dog’s Feet Run To Wickedness

Posted on December 15, 2008 | Leave a comment

My Dog’s Feet Run To Wickedness

Anarchy isn’t what you are about.

There is method behind your whiskered snout.

And though God gave you no waggable tail

You are filled with glee my home to assail.

If you be Coyote, the Trickster returned,

We are not amused — now go tip over the fern.

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Posted in poetry

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Plasma Cloak Surrounding Earth Has Pleated Ruffle

Posted on December 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Nashville, TN - Scientists at the Vanderbilt University who discovered the warm plasma cloak surrounding the earth have made a new discovery. “There is a narrowing at the pole and a series of wave-like features that form a nice pleated ruffle along the side of the magnetosphere. We are all very excited, though some of us think it is a bit over the top,” said principal researcher Dr. Bruce Johnson.
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Ask The Biologist: “My Boyfriend Is A Mouth Breather”

Posted on December 14, 2008 | 1 Comment

Dear Mr. Biologist,
My boyfriend is a great guy. He is handsome, works out, has a good job and is really fun to be around. But there is one thing he does that creeps me out. He is a mouth breather. His mouth is always part way open and it makes him look a bit stupid. Should I say something to him?

–Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,

Your boyfriend is descended from tribal apes, as you are, my dear. He is a dominant male, from your description. Some of his ancestors exerted their dominance by breathing directly on others and daring them to fight or flee. As long as you do neither, your position with him is assured. If, on the other hand, you view him as unsuitable breeding material, you might offer him a plate of homemade cinnamon sticky buns, which will flatter his male ego, and make your getaway while he struggles for breath.
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Posted in Science

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Today’s Poem: Goodbye President Bush

Posted on December 13, 2008 | 1 Comment

Goodbye President Bush

I’ll won’t miss the solipsistic swagger,

The mooing eyes, the pouting anger,

But I’ll wave in grandeur like an Italian duke

To see your finger leave the nukes.

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Posted in poetry

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Pirates Overwhelm Cruise Ship, Demand To See The Floor Show

Posted on December 11, 2008 | Leave a comment

Gulf of Aden - Sea pirates in three small zodiac boats boarded a cruise ship in the Gulf of Aden yesterday. After trying out the water slide, they entered the main dining room, passed through the buffet line and demanded to see the floor show. Afterwards, as they were leaving, their leader said to the captain “the food was great, but I can’t believe people actually pay to watch that crap.”
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Posted in International

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Today’s Poem: Intoxication

Posted on December 10, 2008 | Leave a comment

Intoxication

Henry David Thoreau said that a match was finally found for him: he fell in love with a shrub oak.

I always thought he was a few bricks short of a load.

Brilliant and prophetic, no doubt.

But where was the moistness, the fever dreams?

He had one human love — early and unrequited. Then he turned his attention to trees and the Merrimack river and barn swallows flying across the face of the moon.

Well, now that I think about it.

Maybe he was on to something.

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Posted in poetry

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Christmas Needs A New Soundtrack — This One Sucks

Posted on December 10, 2008 | Leave a comment

God help me, if I hear Brenda Lee sing Rocking Around the Christmas Tree one more time I am going to dump my vente double pump vanilla latte down the back of the next person I see. When did Christmas turn into an endless Groundhog Day loop of old dead crooners singing songs that sounded like liquid sorghum when they were new fifty years ago? How am I supposed to shop for Christmas presents or even feel faintly upbeat when the music in every store makes me feel like the inside of my skull is being cleaned with a paint scraper? Here is a tip for all you retailers: turn off the “Christmas in The Asylum” soundtrack and your customers will be so grateful you won’t be able to get rid of them.

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Posted in Opinion

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Paulson Says “So Long And Thanks For The Fish”

Posted on December 9, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington, DC - You know the old saying, give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach him to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. US Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson wasn’t interested in teaching anyone anything. He just wanted all the fish. “I appreciate the urgency with which the current Congress and administration addressed the needs of the financial industry,” said Paulson at a press conference today. “I’m sure that everything will work out just fine. The tracking processes for the 750 billion dollar bailout will take time to put in place, but rest assured the money has been well spent.”

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Posted in National

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Weather Forecast Wet, Then Dry

Posted on December 9, 2008 | Leave a comment

Portland, OR - The weather tomorrow will be wet, followed by dry sometime in late June.

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Tina Fey’s Beastly Burden

Posted on December 8, 2008 | Leave a comment

Hollywood, CA – 30 Rock star Tina Fey is sheltering a stuffed, full-size Alaskan moose given to her by Sarah Palin. “We had to move it out of the family room because people were taking pictures through the windows. I really appreciate the gift and the thought behind it. Only a real moose lover would give such a gift.”
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Posted in Entertainment

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Condoleeza Rice To Represent World’s Most Expensive Shoe Brand

Posted on December 7, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington, DC - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said today that she planned to join the Stuart Weitzman shoe company as a spokesperson after leaving office in January. Weitzman shoes are among the most expensive in the world. Rice’s interest in shoes became public when she was criticized for spending thousands of dollars on a New York shoe shopping spree three days after hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans.

2008_12_05t045636_450x335_us_zimbabwe_crisis_rice
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Posted in National, Politics

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New Bush Midnight Rule: Bush Staff To Get Ranches in Paraguay

Posted on December 6, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington, DC – Worried about being hounded for the rest of their lives by lawsuits over potential crimes committed while in office, outgoing president George Bush signed an executive order today that will provide funding for “secure outbounding facilities” at a location in Paraguay. The land  is near the 98840 acres that Bush already owns, the 173,000 acres owned by Bush Sr and the larger parcel owned by Reverend Sun Yung Moon. The property will be made available to senior Bush staff and aides. Paraguay has no criminal extradition treaty with the United States. Administration sources say the property will be protected by a private security force from the Blackwater Security Group.

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Posted in National, Politics

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Today’s Poem: A Good Dog Gone Bad

Posted on December 6, 2008 | Leave a comment

A Good Dog Gone Bad

Those were my shoes

And those were my glasses.

If you had two,

I’d kick both your asses.
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Pet Waxing Is The New Grooming Frontier

Posted on December 5, 2008 | Leave a comment

Hollywood, CA - Forget blow-drying, comb-teasing and razor cuts. Those just get you in the dog show door. If you want your pet to really shine on the competion runway, you need to step up your game. Enter waxing for pets. Sunny D’s Pet Nirvana on Hollywood Boulevard will give your dog that clean look down under. “Of course, we use a local anesthetic and some dogs need full sedation. But we can do a lot of cosmetic work while they are under,” said owner Sunny D. Styles range from the simple Straight Bitch to the sleek Ultimate Hound.
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Posted in Living

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Area Teenager Replaces Toilet Paper In Holder

Posted on December 5, 2008 | Leave a comment

Richmond, VA - Rachel Wilson entered the upstairs bathroom in their small, three bedroom home Thursday and found a full new roll of toilet paper in the dispenser left by their son Carson, age 15, after he finished the old one. “I don’t understand it,” said Wilson. “It is completely foreign behavior.”
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Posted in Living

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