Ask The Biologist: “My Boyfriend Is A Mouth Breather”

Dear Mr. Biologist,
My boyfriend is a great guy. He is handsome, works out, has a good job and is really fun to be around. But there is one thing he does that creeps me out. He is a mouth breather. His mouth is always part way open and it makes him look a bit stupid. Should I say something to him?

–Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,

Your boyfriend is descended from tribal apes, as you are, my dear. He is a dominant male, from your description. Some of his ancestors exerted their dominance by breathing directly on others and daring them to fight or flee. As long as you do neither, your position with him is assured. If, on the other hand, you view him as unsuitable breeding material, you might offer him a plate of homemade cinnamon sticky buns, which will flatter his male ego, and make your getaway while he struggles for breath.