Monthly Archives: December 2008

Today’s Poem: A Radio With Guts by Charles Bukowski

it was on the 2nd floor on Coronado Street
I used to get drunk
and throw the radio through the window
while it was playing, and, of course,
it would break the glass in the window
and the radio would sit there on the roof
still playing
and I’d tell my woman,
“Ah, what a marvelous radio!”
the next morning I’d take the window
off the hinges
and carry it down the street
to the glass man
who would put in another pane.
I kept throwing that radio through the window
each time I got drunk
and it would sit there on the roof
still playing-
a magic radio
a radio with guts,
and each morning I’d take the window
back to the glass man.
I don’t remember how it ended exactly
though I do remember
we finally moved out.
there was a woman downstairs who worked in
the garden in her bathing suit,
she really dug with that trowel
and she put her behind up in the air
and I used to sit in the window
and watch the sun shine all over that thing
while the music played.

Today’s Anagrams: Rush Limbaugh

Anagrams for Rush Limbaugh:

Hauls Grub Him!

Hamburg Lush I

SahibĀ  Mug Hurl

Largish Bum, Uh?

Laughs Rub Him

Hail Shrub Mug

Today’s Anagrams: Tina Fey

Anagrams for “Tina Fey”

A Fey Nit

A Fan Yet I

Today’s Poem: A Word To Husbands By Ogden Nash

A Word To Husbands by Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Today’s Anagrams: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Anagrams for “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad”:

A Jaded Nomad Imam Huh?

A Madam Jehad Undo Him

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Love Makes You Stupid, Really

Adelphi, Maryland – Researchers at the University of Maryland have confirmed what folk wisdom has known for years — love makes you stupid. In a twelve-month randomized study, one hundred volunteer students who self-identified as in the early stages of love were compared with one hundred control subjects who defined themselves as “just dating” or “between relationships.” The volunteers, ages 18-22, were given standard IQ tests over a twelve month period. Subjects in the “in-love” group scored 10-25 points lower early in the testing period. Their test scored improved as their relationships deteriorated over the twelve-month period. “We did find a statistically significant difference between male and female volunteers. Males were far stupider than females. Some were unable to identify their next of kin,” said Dr. Mark Conrad, who conducted the research.
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Ask The Biologist: “Color Blindness Is Affecting My Love Life”

Dear Mr. Biologist,

I am reasonably good-looking, healthy, 24 year-old guy with a decent job. But I have a problem. I am color blind. My friends have tried to help me pick clothes and so on, but no matter what, I end up looking like I just blew in from Hicksville. It is seriously affecting my ability to find dates. Women look at me like I was raised by wolves. Any suggestions?

–Kinda Blind

Dear Kinda,

Your problem is fairly common. Biologically speaking, there is a good reason for your color blindness. Much of human ancestry lived in caves at some point, but your relatives were some of the last to leave. Color perception doesn’t help much in cave life. Your ancestors were successful, because they passed their genes on to you. Cave dwellers also used wolves as baby sitters and wolves are as color blind as they come. A wolf can’t tell pink from purple or peuce. Women know this instinctively. When it comes to finding potential mates, the trick is to find someone who is on your extended family tree, but far enough away to avoid making the Hicksville problem even worse. Look for women who have translucent skin, poor eyesight and live in basement apartments with large, angry dogs. Happy hunting.

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Today’s Mondegreen

A mondegreen is a mis-heard lyric:

“Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go drown in Listerine.”
(“You’ll go down in history.” – “Rudolph”)
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Today’s Anagram: “Barack Obama”

Anagram for “Barack Obama”:

Maraca Kabob
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Today’s Anagrams: “Sarah Palin”

Anagrams for “Sarah Palin”

A Hair Plans

Nasal Harp I

A Harp Slain
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CIA Offers Viagra To Afghan Warlords – Villages Erupt

Kabul, Afghanistan - The CIA has a history of paying for information. Lately they have been getting more creative, or desperate, in their fight against the Taliban by offering Viagra to Afghan warlords as an incentive for information.

The reaction among locals has been mixed. Some villages have erupted in turmoil, while others see men returning from fighting who have not been seen in town in months. “Um, I just came back to get my other shoes,” said one smiling warlord who declined to give his name.
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Overheard In Portland

“I’m as blond as I can get in one day.”

-Anonymous

Today’s Poem: I Made A Mistake by Charles Bukowski

I Made A Mistake by Charles Bukowski
I reached up into the top of the closet
and took out a pair of blue panties
and showed them to her and
asked “are these yours?”
and she looked and said,
“no, those belong to a dog.”
she left after that and I haven’t seen
her since. she’s not at her place.
I keep going there, leaving notes stuck
into the door. I go back and the notes
are still there. I take the Maltese cross
cut it down from my car mirror, tie it
to her doorknob with a shoelace, leave
a book of poems.
when I go back the next night everything
is still there.
I keep searching the streets for that
blood-wine battleship she drives
with a weak battery, and the doors
hanging from broken hinges.
I drive around the streets
an inch away from weeping,
ashamed of my sentimentality and
possible love.
a confused old man driving in the rain
wondering where the good luck
went.

Severe Magazine Insert Card Shortages In Many Parts Of The Country

Dallas, TX - Those paper insert cards publishers put in magazines to solicit new subscriptions are in short supply in many areas of the country. The cause has not yet been established. “We think they are going to collectors,” said Dave Olmyer of the Magazine Publishers Association.
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College Sophmore Learns Name of Latest Hookup

Seattle, WA – Forced by severe weather and low finances to stay in the dorms over winter break, Jason Collins, 20, a sophmore at the University of Washington, was compelled to learn the name of his latest hookup. “That never happened before. She is actually pretty nice, funny even. Her name is Rebecca. I told her my name too. After that we both knew things were getting a little too serious, so we aren’t seeing each other any more.”
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Unquote

“It has been a long, hard fight, but if I can get past the crowd and put my hand on the inaugural bible before he does, I will be the next President of the United States.” – USA Secretary of State Elect, Hillary Clinton.

Today In History

On this day in 332 BC, Alexander the Great sacked the southern Greek city-state of Effexor, noting that the local residents seeming strangely happy and unconcerned.
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Strange White Powder In Portland

Portland, OR - A strange, white powder has blanketed the Portland area causing widespread alarm and twenty four hour local news coverage. Old timers call it “powder snow.” They say it last fell like this in Portland in 1968, and indicate it will go away over time. That has not stopped the city from spending nearly a million dollars over the last week moving it around.

pic-0075

Ask The Biologist: I Want To Leave Him, But He Makes Me Laugh

Dear Mr. Biologist,

My boyfriend is a jerk. He treats me like dirt, has no job, sleeps all day, drinks like a fish and thinks he knows everything. I want to leave him, but there is one problem: he makes me laugh. What to do?

Antsey In Jersey,

Dear Antsey,

Your dilemma is a common one. We bond to people who excite the area of our brains responsible for intense pleasure known as the nucleus accumbens or the BAH-DA-BING center. In most people this region predominates. As long as your boyfriend makes you laugh you are completely helpless to change this situation. The solution is to become as depressed as possible, perhaps by watching reruns of The Price Is Right, until his laugh power over you subsides. Then you will see him for the lower order knuckle-dragger that he is and seek a higher order man-ape who not only makes you laugh, but also takes out the trash without being asked and looks good in an Armani suit.
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Today’s Poem: “Keyboarding” 101

“Keyboarding ” 101

My computer keys stare back at me,
Blind, inert, cupped in their fake ease.
Together we waltz across Texas, hand in..[CAPS LOCK] [CRAP!].
Meanwhile, my meandering ideas paper the walls,
Run across the dining room table and across the patio,
But the keyboard..the damn keyboard..backspace…dammmm…esc, esc
Del,del,del…
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