Monthly Archives: September 2008

American Christianists To Convene: “Jesus Is Our CEO”

Posted on September 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Colorado Springs, CO - “Christianism takes up where Christianity left off. Christianity is all about the meek inheriting the earth and do unto others, which we think, frankly, is a misinterpretation of the Bible. Christianism is about bending others to our will, um, I mean the will of Jesus,” said Reverend James Blobson of Focus On the Fetus. “We believe the corporate model is the structure that Jesus intended to use to run the world, with himself as CEO. Until he returns, we will pick one to reign in his place.” The first Christianist convention will take place in Colorado Springs, Colorado in February of 2009 and feature George Bush and Sarah Palin as keynote speakers.

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Posted in Business, Politics

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Male Stupidity Linked To Bed-Sharing, Though Sex Improves Listening Skills

Posted on September 14, 2008 | Leave a comment

Vienna, Austria – Theories about male stupidity go as far back to Adam and Eve. Now “brain drain” due to bed-sharing has been identified as a cause of decreased cognitive function in men. “We weren’t meant to share beds. Sex and sleeping together is a modern phenomenon, ” said researchers who developed the study. The syndrome seems to affect men far more than women, as women seem to be programmed to handle sleep interruption better than men. The study did show that sex appeared to improve male listening skills. “At least the men appeared to be listening after sex, but maybe they were finally able to get some sleep,” said the researchers.

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Posted in Science

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McCain Drops Trou To Show He’s Not “Dependent”

Posted on September 13, 2008 | Leave a comment

Kansas City, MO - Amid persistent rumors about the mysterious bulges appearing in his pants, seventy-two year-old presidential hopeful John McCain took several reporters into a men’s room today and dropped his trousers to show them he does not use any personal incontinence aids. “Are you happy now?” said McCain. Of the three to witness the event, one remarked that it was not the highlight of his day and said he remained unconvinced.

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Posted in Politics

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New American News Network – PNN, All Palin, All The Time

Posted on September 11, 2008 | Leave a comment

New York, NY – CNN announced a new network subsidiary today devoted to twenty four hour coverage of everything related to Sarah Palin. The new cable news network will be called the Palin News Network – PNN. “If she says anything, no matter how fact-challenged or outrageous, we will cover it. People are tired of the issues: the war, the economy, the corruption. It is too depressing. They want to fantasize about a beauty queen, soft-core porn star, negligent mom, former small-town mayor who might become a US President some day. Have you seen McCain check out her ass? The Republicans are calling her a GILF – Governer I’d Like To Fuck. We will have crews cover her every move,” said producer Bart Hicks. “For McCain, she is like that deep sea fish with the built-in lure on it’s head that draws in prey: ‘here guys, knock yourselves out.’”

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Posted in Entertainment, Politics

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Tornado Moves House To Better Location

Posted on September 10, 2008 | Leave a comment

Topeka, KS - An EF-2 class tornado touched down north of Topeka, Kansas yesterday uprooting trees and tearing through a rural residential area. One small home was torn from it’s cinder block foundation and deposited a quarter of a mile away. No one was in the house at the time, and the owners seem pleased with the change. “This is a way better spot,” said Charles Davis. “The view is better and we’re back from the road a bit now.”

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Posted in National

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Animals Predict Earthquake Through Simultaneous Elimination

Posted on September 7, 2008 | Leave a comment

Tarapaca, Chile, The zookeepers at the Tarapaca zoo wondered why the animals were strangely silent. Then they all defecated at the same time. “We thought we had some sort of virus going around. Man, the smell was awful. Then the earthquake hit,” said head zookeeper Afredo Jorge. Fortunately, there was little property damage from the earthquake which registered 5.2 on the Richter scale.

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Posted in International

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Posted on September 5, 2008 | Leave a comment



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Posted in cartoons

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Hissing Cockroaches Invade Florida

Posted on September 5, 2008 | Leave a comment

Miami, FL – If you have ever rented a beach condo in Florida and had to get up in the middle of the night to kill a cockroach, hold onto your beach blanket. Hissing cockroaches from Madagascar have been spotted in parts of south Florida. Native to Madagascar and known for their ability to climb virtually anything including smooth glass, the large, hairy insects are not considered harmful, though sitings do seem to correlate with unusual disappearances of pet chihuahuas. Local pest control authorities are studying how best to control the insects.

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Posted in National

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Google Introduces Fuzzy Dice Plug-In For It’s Chrome Browser

Posted on September 4, 2008 | Leave a comment

Mountain View, CA – Google announced the first plug-in for it’s new Chrome browser today. The plug-in, called “Fuzzy Dice” will hang from the browser toolbar swinging gently in your face while you browse. “It is a useless, stupid, highly annoying distraction that had a hundred thousand downloads in the first six hours. I don’t know what it means, ” said industry analyst Andy Nichols.

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Posted in Technology

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US Government Accidentally Restores Privacy Rights For Twelve Hours

Posted on September 4, 2008 | Leave a comment

Washington, DC - The Total Information Awareness Project, ostensibly shelved but quietly resurrected by the NSA, lost total surveillance of the citizens of the USA for twelve hours over Labor Day due to a server malfunction. “The Constitution never mentions the word ‘privacy,’ so we actually gave people more rights for twelve hours than they are entitled to,” said one insider. “Everything is back online now. As long as people obey the law, they have nothing to fear from surveillance by the US government.”

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Posted in National

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Veterinarian Who Vetted Sarah Palin Grants Interview

Posted on September 3, 2008 | Leave a comment

Anchorage, AK – Dr. Ralph Bunch of Anchorage acknowledged today that he had been asked by the McCain campaign to vet governor Sarah Palin a mere thirty six hours before McCain announced her as his running mate last Friday. “I’m very active in the party and I help with fundraising, so that is probably why they asked me,” said Bunch. “I couldn’t find anything to be concerned about. She checked out fine. Damn fine, actually.”

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Posted in Politics

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GOP Convention Protesters Leave Note: “Last Free American, Turn Out The Lights”

Posted on September 2, 2008 | Leave a comment

St. Paul, MN - After the United States Secret Service and the Department of Homeland Security took command control of all law enforcement in Saint Paul, MN, site of the Republican convention this week, the arrests and occasional beatings of all vocal protesters proceeded according to plan. People who attempted to record the arrests on video had their equipment and ID confiscated and all personal accounts frozen. Reporters attempting to discover the protesters whereabouts were told there was no immediate information available about the “potential terrorists”. At the site of the protests, far from the site of the convention and now eerily empty, someone left this note in spray paint on the pavement: “last free American, please turn out the lights.”



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Posted in Politics

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Comatose Man To Compete On “Dancing With The Stars”

Posted on September 1, 2008 | Leave a comment

Los Angeles, CA - The producers of the wildly popular show Dancing With the Stars revealed today that the first person to compete while in a vegetative state will be included in this fall’s lineup. “We have had people with different kinds of disabilities compete and do well, so we thought it was time to have someone represent the comatose community,” said producer Mark Shultz. The name of the disabled actor will be revealed when the full lineup is published next week, but speculation was running high with fans suggesting names of many actors who do not meet the clinical definition of being in a vegetative state, but seem otherwise indistinguishable.

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Posted in Entertainment

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Man Sees Cloud That Looks Like A Duck

Posted on September 1, 2008 | 1 Comment

Vancouver, Wash – Stan Underwood, 47, of Vancouver, Washington reported seeing a cloud that looked like a duck yesterday. “I was standing out behind the garage and just happened to look up. You could see the head and the wings and everything,” said Underwood.

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Posted in National

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