Orlando, FL – In a paper to appear in the Journal Science, anthropologists from the University of Florida and Brazil have found evidence of an ancient, large urban civilization in the Amazon basin. The most startling discovery appears to be one that connects the lost city to our own cities today. “We found a carved figure of a little red-haired girl that matches the Wendy’s girl in startling detail. And we found an inscription on the carving that we believe translates roughly as ‘hot and juicy,’” said research assistant Randy Williams.
Entries from August 2008
Ancient Amazon Civilization Had A Wendys
August 29, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Categories: National · Science
Tagged: amazon, ancient civilization, brazil, humor, university of florida, wendys
Crows Can Tell If You Washed Your Hands After Using Bathroom
August 29, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Seattle, WA – In a follow-on study to the ground-breaking work by UW wildlife biologist John Marzluff, indicating that crows recognize individual human faces and associate them with potential threats, fellow researcher Miles Anderson has discovered that crows can tell if you washed your hands after using the bathroom. “People apparently exhibit a certain amount of guilt or tension in their face that is evident to crows. They will caw much louder and often in unison at volunteers who leave our control restrooms without washing their hands,” said Anderson.
Categories: Science
Tagged: bathroom, crows, humor, research, wash hands
Disney’s Little Mermaid Is Really A Manmaid
August 27, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Hollywood, CA – “I just couldn’t live the lie any longer,” said Ariel today after announcing that she is really a manmaid. “I hope to keep making films, but it is up to Disney. I think I bring something special to the role and you have to admit I look fabulous in green sequined flippers and clamshells. And my co-star is flexible, if you know what I mean,” said Ariel. Representatives of Disney were not available for comment.
Categories: Entertainment
Tagged: ariel, disney, humor, little mermaid, manmaid
New McCain School Of Government: No Classes, Just Abuse
August 27, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Annapolis, MD – Jason Maxwell, one of John McCain’s leading fund raisers, today announced the establishment of a new endowment to fund a McCain School Of Government at the US Naval Academy. The school will seek to train a next generation of leaders using a model based on John McCain’s experience as a prisoner of war in the 1960’s in Vietnam. “Academics aren’t the focus. John McCain graduated 894 out of 898 at the Naval Academy in 1958 and frankly, after decades in the senate, is still pretty clueless about governing and public policy. We aren’t interested in training more policy wonks, legislators or thought leaders. We want to create leaders in John McCain’s mold by stressing people to the breaking point. People who battle post traumatic stress syndrome develop instant reactions and have the right stuff to make the difficult decisions about our country’s future,” said Maxwell.
Categories: Politics
Tagged: humor, mccain, school of government
Wearable Motorcycle Comes In Permanent Press
August 27, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Seattle, WA – Nordstrom announced today they will become the sole distributor of a new line of wearable motorcycles. “We are broadening our markets. We think wearable technology has a very bright future,” said marketing manager Cyndi Whitman. The wearable motorcycles will be available in Big and Tall sizes and have trim packages suitable for office or leisure wear.
Categories: National
Tagged: humor, wearable motorcycle
Sen. Larry Craig To Address GOP Convention From Toilet Stall
August 26, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Washington, DC – Still stinging from his party’s rebukes after being arrested for lewd conduct in an airport mens room, Senator Larry Craig plans to address the Republican Party convention next week from a toilet stall. Senator Craig is not being offered a speaker’s slot on the main podium, but will instead broadcast his views via streaming video and YouTube. Craig is currently on a book tour publicizing his new autobiography, “Stalling For Time.”
Categories: Politics
Tagged: GOP convention, humor, larry craig, stall, toilet
Abortion Foes Form New Franchise: Fetuses-R-Us
August 25, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Colorado Springs, CO – Those familiar abortion protesters with the large, colorful signs with super-magnified images of aborted fetuses may soon be bringing their message to a mall near you. “We are all about the fetus. That is our brand,” said Reverend James Blobson of Focus On The Fetus. “We are opening a chain of stores called Fetuses-R-Us that will carry our message through merchandising. You will be able to buy hats, t-shirts, keychains, coffee mugs, mouse pads and posters, all with our signature pictures of aborted fetuses you have become familiar with through our street protests. We challenge the presidential candidates to wear one of our fetus lapel pins,” said Blobson.
Categories: National
Tagged: abortion, fetus, humor, protest
Obama’s Secret Ties To Church Of Flying Spaghetti Monster
August 24, 2008 · 1 Comment
Augusta, GA – “We have every reason to believe that Senator Obama is a secret member of a religious cult devoted some sort of flying demon,” said David Connors, head of an organization called Get Straight With Jesus Or Go Straight To Hell. “Our investigations have lead us to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Connors. “It sounds like some sort of Asian voodoo thing. I hear they call themselves ‘pastafarians’. ” There was no comment from the Obama campaign.
Categories: Politics
Tagged: flying spaghetti monster, humor, obama, Politics
USA Relay Teams Interrupt Races To Play “Pick Up Sticks”
August 23, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Beijing, China – In a fascinating display of returning to the root of all sports, namely childhood play, both the American men’s and women’s 4X100 relay teams interrupted their Olympic finals races yesterday to play the familiar children’s game of pick up sticks. “This is supposed to be fun. We forget that sometimes,” said Tyson Gay, who had been planning to run the anchor leg in the men’s relay.
Categories: Sports
Tagged: humor, olympics, pick up sticks, relay race
Phelps To Swim Lake Michigan Towing Oprah For Charity
August 22, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Beijing, China - “Winning eight gold medals was hard. This is a bigger challenge,” said Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps today. Phelps said the swim will raise money for swimming programs and community center development in underprivileged neighborhoods. “Oprah is as excited about it as I am. We hope to raise several million for community swim programs. She will be on a surfboard but I don’t expect to set any speed records,” said Phelps.
Categories: Sports
Tagged: charity swim, humor, oprah, phelps
Wind Turbine Doubles As Large Veg-O-Matic
August 22, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Topeka, KS – “We hoped this new turbine design could provide up to half the power needed by an average home in low wind speeds. I guess our calculations were way off. But people love it’s ability to chop vegetables. You just throw them up there. Even stringy, hard to cut things come out well. And it cleans up with an ordinary high-pressure washer,” says inventor Dave Myerson.
Categories: Technology
Tagged: humor, Technology, wind turbine
Chinese Gymnasts Enjoy Annual Phone Call To Parents
August 22, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Beijing, China – Fresh from a triumphant performance in the Olympics, the Chinese women’s gymnastic team returned to their training facility today. Team members who won a medals were allowed their annual phone call to their parents a day early. “We want thank our glorious people’s republic for letting us speak with our parents,” said a stoic Cheng Fei. “Momma says my room is just the way I left it seven years ago. And I have a new Dad.”
Categories: International · Sports
Tagged: chinese gymnast, humor, olympics
McCain Says Wife Uses Four Houses, He Only Needs Three
August 21, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Cincinnati, OH – Campaigning in Ohio today presidential hopeful John McCain tried to downplay the growing controversy over not remembering how many houses he owns. “Cindy uses most of them, at least four anyway. I only use about three. And she is the one who hired all those servants. That $273,000 a year we pay for butlers and maids by the way, those are jobs we created for this robust economy,” said McCain.
Categories: Politics
Tagged: houses, humor, mccain, Politics
Why I Love Tattoos – By Bud Tuggly
August 21, 2008 · Leave a Comment
I love tattoos — tramp stamps, ass antlers, whatever you want to call them. Tattoos say something unique and enduring about their owners, like “five years ago I thought getting this punk mermaid in a clam shell plastered all over my chest and shoulders would make me look cool. I can’t believe I was that stupid.”
Last weekend I met a very large woman at a wedding who wore a black floppy hat, strapless black dress and some nasty tats. She had a handgun tattooed on each shoulder blade, a full sleeve tattoo of what looked like red and green spaghetti writhing up her left arm, and on her neck was a serpent consuming himself, beginning with his own tail. She was obviously a woman who wanted to attract a husband. I know I felt a strange attraction. I was dying to know what her serpent would look like thirty years from now, and if he made any progress. Well maybe not dying to know, but mildly curious. Like the curiosity you get when you hear a car hit a cat and run to see what it looks like.
I have nothing but respect for people willing to get their body permanently inscribed, especially when it is in a language they don’t speak. Now that takes guts. I love those Chinese character tattoos on white people that look vaguely spiritual and probably mean “this way to the men’s room,” or “fried pork with pineapple.” There is even a booming plastic surgery industry in removing these tattoos when the owners find out the translations are a bit loose or even “creative”. I can imagine the conversation in Chinese in the tattoo store when these people walk in:
“Hey Zhou, this guy wants his tat to say something spiritual in Chinese. it’s your turn to make something up. How about ‘my gas is rising to heaven?’ “
My neighbor’s kid wanted a tattoo of a skull with Chinese lettering below that said “Blood and Guts.” What he got translates literally to “Blood and Intestines.” At least they gave him what he asked for.
I’m even thinking of getting a tattoo myself. I’m wavering between a beautiful nude woman throwing a baseball at the Chicago Cubs mascot and two Harley Davidson motorcycles posed like they are mating. Either way, I figure it will be even funnier when I am eighty.
-Yours, Bud
Cheney Shoots Self, Says It Was “Self Defense”
August 21, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Washington, DC – Vice President Cheney was treated and released from Walter Reed hospital this morning after an incident in the vice president’s office that resulted in Cheney being sprayed in the face with buck shot. “I’m OK, I just thought I saw an intruder trying to see the big board in my office.” said Cheney. “Turns out it was nothing. Can’t be too careful, though, a lot of bad hombres around,” said Cheney who travels around the city in high-speed motorcades with a full hazmat suit at the ready in his armored limo.
Categories: National
McCain Visits Baghdad – The Off The Record Version
August 20, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Baghdad, Iraq
” Everybody, ten SHUN! This is Major Stevens of the 101st. He is going to brief you on a special visitor who will be arriving tomorrow. Today’s briefing is strictly off the record. The ’secret squirrels’ in Ops have assured me that none of you are hobby photographers, bloggers, YouTubers and any other kind of tubers. Any record of this briefing hits the media back in the world and I will have someone’s gonads bronzed and hung from the rear view mirror of my Hummer. Please give Major Stevens your undivided attention.”
Thank you. At ease. General Petreus has asked me to brief you today about a VIP visitor arriving tomorrow from back in the world. Senator McCain will be here. He says he wants to see how successful the surge has been and how life in Iraq is getting back to normal. OK, settle down, settle down. Those of you in the back who are laughing — drop and give me forty. We’ll wait.
“Thank you, Sir!”
OK, now that we understand each other, any of you thinking about showing him what life here is really like will get their ass kicked from here to Kirkuk. General Petreus wants Senator McCain to see all the good things that are happening here, the open markets, the laughing, happy Iraqis, the new stability, yada yada yada. You will show the Senator all the progress we are making, or I will personally rip you a new one and recommend you for a tour extension. Do we understand each other?
“Sir, yes, Sir!”
So here are some talking points the General gave me for ordinary soldiers we select to spontaneously pop up from the audience and state from the heart. Those ordinary solders are Rogers, Rodriguez, Hernandez and Johnson. You guys memorize these points and be ready when I give you the high sign after McCain arrives at 1400 hours tomorrow.
“Sir, permission to speak freely?”
Permission granted.
“Do you mind if we add a few points of our own like the time Hernandez was so tired from four tours full of back-to-back patrols that he fell asleep with a cigarette in his mouth and lit the hooch on fire?”
Look. I’m on your side, OK? If it were up to me we would all leave this, so-called “cradle of civilization” on the next bird home. But General Petreus is real clear about what he wants. What he does NOT want is you guys cowboy-ing it when VIPs from back in the world are here. He wants to control the message and your ass and mine are grass if we don’t.
“Hoo-ah, Sir.”
OK. After visiting with the troops, we will have arranged for spontaneous opportunities for the Senator to visit with the Iraqis and feel the love they have for the coalition forces. Don’t worry, we will make sure the love doesn’t hurt too much. Rogers, Rodriguez, and Hernandez, after bonding with the Senator during the Q&A, you will escort him to the following spontaneous encounters.
Encounter number one: Rogers, you will take the Senator McCain to the special market we have set up near the south perimeter where ordinary Iraqis will be milling around doing their morning shopping. You will escort him through the market and interpret for him. Buy him a CD and get the hell out of there. We are paying those locals a bundle to risk coming in here and fraternizing with us.
Encounter number two: Hernandez, you will take the Senator to Mosul where we have cleared an area near the square so he can walk the streets and talk to the locals. The 33rd will have secured the area and will be laying low until you leave. We paid the Mahdi a bundle to take the afternoon off, but meter runs out at 1800 hours and their patience is limited.
At promptly 2100 hours, we will fly the good Senator back to the airport with a full-up escort. Those of you who met with him will go along, give him a hearty sendoff.
Any questions? Good. Does anyone want to sing Kumbayah?
“Kumbayah, Sir!”
Dismissed.
Categories: National · Politics
Tagged: humor, iraq, mccain, Politics, visit
Victoria’s Secret Introduces Penis Gourds For Men
August 19, 2008 · Leave a Comment
East Reynoldsburg, OH – Victoria’s Secret announced a new line of underwear for men designed to enhance their natural endowment. “We have a wide variety of products that enhance women’s natural gifts. Now we are turning our attention to men,” said product manager Sharon Johnson. The new underwear line was inspired by aboriginal garments from New Guinea and include a leather thong with a large penis gourd. The penis gourds are available with a variety of pin-striping options and Nascar-sanctioned decal packages and may be worn inside or outside of the pants for ceremonial occasions. The gourds will be available in low rise, high rise and no-rise models and be available in stores just before Christmas.
Categories: Business · Living
Tagged: gourd, humor, mens underwear, penis, thong, victoria's secret
Republican Smear Machine Conversion To Clean Energy Failing
August 19, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Dallas, TX – Hoping to burnish their somewhat thin environmental credentials and help John McCain ride the wave of interest in alternative energy into the white house, the Republican National Committee has been secretly converting the Republican smear machine from burning only cash to running also on clean energy fuels. So far at least, the conversion is not working. “She’s a thoroughbred and doesn’t like having to pretend that she likes biodiesel, wind, solar and all that other crap,” said head mechanic Karl Rove.
Categories: Politics
Tagged: clean energy, humor, republican, smear machine
New TLC Show “What Not To Marry” To Start In October
August 18, 2008 · Leave a Comment
New York, NY – Sooner or later most people decide it is time to get married. But have you really found your soul mate? Or are you are you really just settling for who you happen to be dating because you are tired of walking around in your CFM shoes trying to look ten years younger? Wouldn’t it be great to have somebody follow your fiancee around with a video camera for two weeks and then sit you down for a little brother-and-sisterly advice? Well, look no further. Stacy and Clinton of the TLC channel’s wildly popular What Not To Wear will star in a pilot series of a new show called What Not To Marry beginning in October. “We are hoping to help people decide if they are kissing a prince or a frog or just a horny toad,” said TLC’s Stacy London. “From the taping we have done so far, viewers may get tired of hearing us say, ‘have you completely lost your mind?’”
Categories: Entertainment
Tagged: Entertainment, humor, marry, what not to wear
Why Boys Don’t Use Toilet Paper
August 18, 2008 · Leave a Comment
Portland, OR – Dr. Ralph Hawkins, a research pediatrician at the Oregon Health Sciences University announced today he has received a $50,000 NIH grant to study why boys under the age of fifteen do not use toilet paper. “It is a complete mystery to me and every other parent,” he said.
Categories: Healthcare
Tagged: boys, humor, toilet paper
